Category: sports

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don’t know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets—eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp — see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that’s plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked “Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?”

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they
would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the
following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old
MacDonald had a _________.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this
one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he
tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last
question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then
he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a
farm.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and
started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s
shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.

There’s a rumor that after the NTL sponsorship expires, Celtic have lined up a
new sponsor – Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a
very bad period.

There are two Bosnians playing for West Ham in an important league match. The
ball comes spinning towards them but the captain, who’s also well placed to
receive the pass, shouts,
“Mine!”, and both players hit the ground.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
“You play golf?!” asks Jack.

Stevie says, “Yes, I have been playing for years.”

“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.

“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.

“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”

Nicklaus says, “What is your handicap?”

“Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?”

Stevie replies “I don’t care – any night next week is OK with me.”

a football player bens over to get the ball an he tell the other player to kiss his black ass

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players
start shooting back with live ammunition.
2. Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
3. Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
4. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their
last remaining fan.
5. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur”
is meaningless.
6. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to
frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
7. Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
8. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and
white week after week after week!
9. Don King only bribes boxing judges.
10. Official rule books not made in Braille.
11. I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!