Category: sports

* When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.

* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.

* Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an
open fire.

* When smoking a fish, never inhale.

* A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

* The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.

* Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

* While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife
has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe
paddle.

* Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry
in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

* Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.

* You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north
side of your compass.

* You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.

* When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to
wipe your nose on.

* You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over
it with your car.

A wife is going through her husband’s closet one day when she finds a metal
box. Inside the box she finds 3 golf balls and $20,000. She immediately goes
downstairs and confronts him with it.

Wife: “What is this box for?”

Husband: “Well, every time we had bad sex I put a golf ball in the box.”

The wife thought this was pretty good seeing as how they had been married for
20 years.

Wife: “What is the $20,000 for?”

Husband: “Every time I got a dozen golf balls I sold them.”

A clergy, a doctor and a lawyer were at their local country club for their
regular golf game.

Almost immediately they got behind a foursome who were very slow players.
They wandered aimlessly around the fairways looking for their balls,
whiffed shots and putted in all directions. The threesome could not play
through and finally waved down a marshal and explained that each hole took
20 minutes or more and asked if he could encourage the foursome to play at
a quicker pace.

The marshal replied by letting the threesome know that the men in front
were the four firefighters that rescued several club members from a recent
fire and as a result they had lost their eyesight. The club in recognition
of there heroic efforts had given them honorary memberships and were
asking fellow members to be patient when playing behind the firefighters.

The clergy responded by asking the marshal to let the men know that he
would include them in his prayers from the pulpit Sunday morning.

The doctor told the marshal to let the men know he would ask his eye
doctor associates to perform any exams free of charge.

The lawyer looked at the marshal and asked, “Why can they not just play at
night?”

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?””Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the
nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all
alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of
cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the
sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies began conversing with him. “You know, I have a special
gift. I can read minds.”

Wanting to dispense with the women, the embarrassed man sharply said, “Well, I
seriously doubt you can read mine.”

“You’re wrong,” the lady replied, “because I know that you *think* that the
bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it.”

A recent Irish League match between Newry and Larne, the visitors were awarded
a penalty and the captain summoned his best player and said, ‘I want you to take
this one, Patrick. Just think hard as you kick -think which way the wind is
blowing, and think which direction the keeper’s going to jump.’
‘Holy Mother!’ said Patrick. ‘Do you expect me to think and kick at the same
time?’

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,

“Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!”

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. “Hey,” says the
bartender, “No dogs allowed in the bar.” “Oh please?,” begs the customer.
You see, you’re playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of
the Royals.” “You’re trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL
FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar,” says the bartender. “No animals
allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don’t like
baseball!” Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up
on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the
same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. “That is the most
amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?!
I’m curious though….if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit,
what does he do when they get a home run?” “I don’t know,” confesses the
owner, “I’ve only had him for five years.”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s OJ Simpson’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan!”

What’s the difference between a cactus and the Packers’ stadium?A cactus has 60,000 pricks on the outside.–Editor’s note: Of course, in my opinion, you can put ANY team in the place of the Packers…