Category: sports

I bet I can tell you the score of the Rose Bowl before it starts?

0 To 0.

Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,”God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.”

So God said, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, “See God, I told you that would happen. I’ll get it this time but you’ll have to get it next time.” So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, “God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.”

And God repeated, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, “I got the last one.” So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?”

Moses replied, “No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”

What do you call fishermen who can put 100 worms on a single hook in less
then 5 minutes?

A Master Bater

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!”

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He
could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned
craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
“Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “They ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About
halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin,'” the beachcomber said.

“Wow,” said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, “The sharks got ’em.”

Q: What would you call 2 Sellik fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt
Espace?
A: A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into
one of those.

15. Get “psyched” before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he’s on the chess team.

14. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

13. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year’s French Open.

12. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness.

11. Swimmer’s refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.

10. His red and yellow jersey reads, “Track Cartel de Colombia.”

9. Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm.

8. Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.

7. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

6. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

5. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

4. According to the urine test, he’s six-week’s pregnant.

3. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just “walk it off.”

2. Has switched her shower song from “I Feel Pretty” to “Old Man River.”

1. Forget Nike and Reebok — he’s got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.

14> “Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.”

13> “That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.”

12> “With Browns’ ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the ‘dog pound’ are secretly calculating how much blood they’re going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.”

11> “Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.”

10> “I’ve seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.”

9> “The Cowboy’s defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.”

8> “The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan’s knee on souvenir pipe night.”

7> “That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.”

6> “Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They’re *football* players, for chrissakes!”

5> “Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?”

4> “Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.”

3> “Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.'”

2> “That kid’s got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian… um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what’s with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?”

1> “Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my ’68 Cutlass on our first date after watching ‘Love Story’ at the drive-in.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes,
a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers,
Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the
entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee
off.

“Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful
and respectful of you to do that,” his friend says.

“Well,” Harry replies, “I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I
could do.”

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who’s driving?
A: The police.

* When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.

* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.

* Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an
open fire.

* When smoking a fish, never inhale.

* A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

* The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.

* Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

* While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife
has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe
paddle.

* Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry
in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

* Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.

* You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north
side of your compass.

* You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.

* When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to
wipe your nose on.

* You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over
it with your car.