Category: sports

why do pigeons fly upside down in oklahoma??

cause there aint nothing worth shiten on there

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, ‘I’d give anything to sink this next putt.’ A stranger walks up to him and whispers, ‘Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?’ The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, ‘Okay,’ and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, ‘Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.’ The same stranger moves to his side and says, ‘Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?’ The golfer shrugs and says, ‘Sure.’ He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, ‘Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?’ The golfer says, ‘Certainly!’ He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, ‘You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.’ ‘Nice to meet you,’ says the golfer. ‘My name’s Father O’Malley.’

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read,
“I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No,
you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t
believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that!
Shame on you!”

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and
then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with
a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute
sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four
fingers.

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It`s all right ma`am, they`re just golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, “Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?”

Two boys were playing football in a park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar & twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Redskins fan,” the boy replied.

“Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” the reporter starts again.

“I’m not a Ravens fan either,” the boy said.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Packers fan.”

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet.”

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,

“Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!”

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten
years. One day, he see’s a speck on the horizon. He thinks to
himself, “It’s not a ship,” the speck gets a little closer and
he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he
thinks. it’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this
gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She
approaches the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve
had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that
good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink
of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten Years!”

She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long
swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the
front of the wet suit and says to him, “And how long has it been
since you had some REAL fun?”

The man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got set of golf
clubs in there!”

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs.
And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my freakin’ ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!”

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But
imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors
Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally
located a room with a neatly lettered sign: “Dressing Room, Umpires Only.”
As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below
the printed legend was the same message … written in Braille.

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men’s tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, “I wonder why it didn’t go any further?”

One of the men said, “I don’t think you gave it enough gas!”