Category: sports

How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement – “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”

Joe had had enough. He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!”

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”

Two guys are out hunting deer…

The first guy says, “Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.”
“No,” the second guy says.
“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!” the first guy says.
“Oh,” says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” the second guy asks.
“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!”
“Yah, Ok”, says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, “Yah, I SAW IT!”

And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the
third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
“We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.

“And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”

“I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”‘

A college football coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally.

The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. “Okay,” the dean said. “What is seven times seven?”

The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I think it’s 49.”

Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. “Please, Dean,” he begged, “give him another chance!”

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the
biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around
baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they
examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the
other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory
earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from
beyond.

“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to
hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A huddle.

Why did they take the astroturf out of Texas Stadium?
The CowBoys play better on grass.

Have you heard about the Cowboys’ new honor system?
Yes your honor, no your honor.

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
“I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man” she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers …well maybe!

Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he’s not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon “thing”. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asked his bride.
“I’m calling for room service. After all that work I’m hungry!”

The wife says, “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Really! Just what would TIGER do?” says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you’re not calling room service are you!!!!
“NO, says the exhausted hubby”!
“Well who are you calling then, she asks.”

I’m calling Tiger Woods…
I want to see what par is for this hole!

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were
about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with
beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began
to slice – her shot was headed directly at a very large
plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed
through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove
off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the
house, they found no one there. The husband called out and
no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a
small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his
head.

The wife asked the man, “Do you live here?”

“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked
over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little
bottle. I am so grateful!” he answered.

The wife asked, “Are you a genie?”

“Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant
you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself,” the
man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes – one was for a
scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily
agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year
forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, “Done!”

The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my
way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many
years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a
millionaire.”

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the
wife, “How long have you been married?”

To which she responded, “Three years.”

The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”

To which she replied, “31 years old”

The genie then asked, “And how long has he believed in this
genie crap?”

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and
seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the
large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with
lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the blonde girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had
tennis elbow once.”

Q: What has four legs and no ears?
A: Mike Tyson’s dog.