Category: sports

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife’s body in the San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, “So what’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the cop, “when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters
and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news!?!” he asked.

And the cop replied…
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!”

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren’t hot.

Olie replied, “We come from Minnesota where it’s always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.” This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. “You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it’s very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.”

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on.
The Devil couldn’t understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn’t working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, “We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devil’s mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn’t a punishment, maybe he’d give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, “Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!”

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the
reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the
woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until
finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other
and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen
hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Q: Why is it always hot after baseball games?
A: Because all of the fans have left.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh. . .you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus. “Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!” “No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

ghdfhfjhgusihfuishf haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaa

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few
hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his
jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it
in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass.
Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the
water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye
and picks up a 70 pound Bass.
A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says, “Aren’t you going to
give it a try?”
Jeff replies, “No, I don’t want to get poked in the eye!”

There’s a Chelsea fan, a Manchester Utd and a Liverpool fan
walking along a beach. The Chelsea fan trips over something half
buried in the sand. Sure enough, in true joke fasion, it’s a
magic lamp, and the Chelsea fan rubs it. Poooof! A genie appears
and grants him 3 wishes. He decides to give his friends a wish
each and the Chelsea fan goes first.

“We’ve had a ban run in Europe this season so next year, I want
to qualify for the Champions League and win it.”

A click of the genie’s fingers and the wish is duly granted.

Next it’s the Manc’s turn.

“Right, our kid.”, he says to the genie,” I want a fucking great
big wall all the way around Manchester to keep those Scouse
bastards out!”

“Granted!” booms the genie, and the wall appears around
Manchester.

Finally, the Scouser steps up and asks, “This wall…how high is
it?”

“200 feet high” answers the genie.

“Any doors in it” continues the quizical Liverpool fan.

“Nope.”

“Windows?”

“Nope.”

“Right!”, says the Scouser, “Flood the Bastard!”

why did the giants lose. because they suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?It was a cup draw! Where do football directors go when they are fed up?The bored room! A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?”Were the crowd not behind you” asked the reporter”They were right behind me all right”, said the manager, “But I managed to shake them off at the station!” Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool. 8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor’s office are named either Ingrid or Sven. 7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell. 6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn’t think the term “New York City Hospitality Committee” is an oxymoron. 5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches. 4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: “My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.” 3. “Miss Salt Lake” for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech. 2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties. This list is copyrighted by Chris White.