Category: sports

With the advent of Spring in the US, a lot of avid fishermen are already out
there trying their luck. My sister-in-law’s husband is probably one of the most
rabid around. Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge I
asked him if they were biting. He replied, “Were they? I had to lie down in the
boat just to bait my hook!”

What is a boxer’s favourite drink?

Punch.

I was at the golf course the other day, and I stepped on a rake and hit two of
my best balls.

Three guys are starting a round of golf. They all pull out their
golf balls for inspection. The third guy pulls out a pink golf
ball. Needless to say the other two guys laugh at him and call
him names.

“Laugh all you want,” he says, “but you can never lose this golf
ball.” “How?” reply the other two. “Well, if you hit the ball
into the woods it is eay to find because it is pink.” “I’ve been
to lots of courses where you would not find that ball.” says the
first guy. “Well, it also starts beeping when it is lost.” the
third guy replies. “That is useless if you hit it into the
water” sneers the second guy. “If you hit the ball into the
water, the ball has an flotation device built into it and it
floats to the surface.” the third guy replies. “That is all well
and good but how do you get the ball if it is just floating
thre? You don’t know how far out it will be” the first guy says.
“It also has a solar panel in the side of the ball. It uses
solar power to get itself to the nearest shore.” “That’s bloody
amazing!I guess you were right, you really can’t lose it,” says
the second guy, “but where did you get such a great ball from? I
would like to buy one.” The guy replies, “I found it.”

George looks like golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first
drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using
an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes
him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. “You look like a
golfer. Are you any good?”
George replies, “Absolutely…. I got here in TWO, didn’t I?”

Amateur: “How do you get so much backspin?”

Pro: “Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?”

Amateur: “About 130.”

Pro: “Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back?”

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?Bad Golfer: “Whack!” “Damn!”Bad Skydiver: “Damn!!” “Whack!!”

Jesus, Moses and Elija were feeling good one day so they decided
to go golfing.

Jesus being Jesus always gets to tee off first. They get to the
7th hole, which is a long par 5 with a creek running across it
at about 240 yards. Jesus gets up to tee off and selects his
driver. Moses asks Jesus if he is going to try to drive across
the creek and Jesus says that he is feeling so good that he
thinks he can make it. So Jesus tees off and it is a long drive
but it lands in the middle of the creek. Jesus asks Moses to
part the water of the creek so he can retrieve his ball saying,
“You know how much I hate to lose a ball.” So Moses parts the
waters of the creek and the ball is retrieved. Jesus tees it up
again and because he is Jesus he gets unlimited mulligans. Jesus
says he is going to try to drive the creek again. Moses
responds, “Ok, but I am not going to help you get it back
again!” Jesus hits tee shot again and sure enough kerr plop it
lands in the creek again. So he goes down and is walking on the
water looking for his ball.

Meanwhile back at the tee the folowing foursome has reached the
tee. One of the golfers says to Moses, “Look at that guy walking
on the water. Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?” Moses
responds, “No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods.”

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he
used the “F-word” over the weekend. The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three
Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.
The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday
with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, “And you got upset
over that and swore?” The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the
first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.” The priest said,
“And that’s when you swore.”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No,
it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce
and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a
squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.” The priest asked,
“Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”

The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in
its sharp talons and flew away.”

The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying
squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!”

At the Olympic Games, a girl bumps into a man carrying an eight-foot-long
metal stick.
“Excuse me,” says the girl to the man. “Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”

When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football
team. They said I was vital to the game.
They couldn’t possibly play without me.
They needed me.
I was the only one with a football.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife’s body in the San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, “So what’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the cop, “when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters
and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news!?!” he asked.

And the cop replied…
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!”