Category: sports

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”

As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time, he was tapped on the
shoulder.

The intruder handed him a note which read, “I am deaf and mute. Please let me
play through.”

“This is MY tee-off time,” the golfer bellowed, shaking his head vigorously.
“Your handicap doesn’t entitle you to play through!”

Then he proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.

“Nice shot,” the fellow’s caddie said as they headed off the tee, leaving the
deaf-mute fuming.

While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the head by a ball.
Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his hand.

“What is he doing?” asked the golfer, squinting into the sun.

“I believe he’s holding up four fingers,” the caddie replied!

A middle-aged man was golfing one day, and as he was about to hit the 18th hole, he suddenly heard “ribbit 9 iron”. He looked around, but seeing nobody but a frog, he went back to his business of golfing. Again, the voice said “ribbit 9 iron”. He looked around again and his eyes landed on the frog. He said “well mister frog, I guess i will give it a try. i have nothing to lose.” So he got his 9 iron out of his bag and proceeded to hit a hole in one. He picked up the frog and said “by golly, you ARE a lucky frog. where shall we go to see just how lucky you really are?” and the frog replied “ribbit los vagas.”So the man and his frog got on the next plane to Los Vagas. When they arrived, the man asked, “where to now?” and the frog replied “Ribbit casino”. They walked into the nearest casino, and the man asked “what shall we play?” and the frog said “ribbit rulette”. The pair walked over to the rulette table, and the frog said “ribbit two sixes.” Now this is a one-in-a-million chance, but the man bet all his money on these two sixes. And what do you know, he won!”frog, you really ARE a lucky frog… how can i ever repay you?” said the man. The frog replyed, “ribbit kiss me” and when the man did, it turned into a beautifull woman. The next thing the man knew he was saying…”And thats how the 16 year old girl ended up in my hotel room or my name isn’t William Jefferson Clinton”.

12. Forced to cut back from classy $8000-a-night call girls to skanky $5000-a-night variety.

11. Humiliating to have to ask that photographer you kicked in the groin for a loan.

10. “Choking the coach” now a private affair between the player and himself.

9. All these new summer tattoos and no one to show ’em to.

8. No longer able to afford stretch limo, more prone to injuries during romp in backseat of an AMC Pacer with Madonna.

7. Research for doctoral thesis “29 Hoes in 29 Cities” comes to a grinding halt.

6. Instead of having high quality weed delivered, must venture out to pick up generic brand themselves.

5. Charge account revoked at “Big and Tall Freak of Nature” shop.

4. Trash talking totally ludicrous after sinking ten foot underwear-to-the-hamper shot.

3. Spike Lee is camped out on the front lawn, and you’re tired of hearing how you mow the lawn like a wimp.

2. With no early morning practices, getting Toni Braxton to leave can be a real chore.

1. Restricted to fathering illegitimate children in a confined geographical region.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

Who says athletes aren’t as intelligent as rocket scientists?

1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.”

1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: “Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it.”

1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?”

1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.”

1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics’ general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell’s coaching: “He has the players too happy.”

1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: “Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn’t given it to me, I would have taken it anyway.”

1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”

1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”

1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: “They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.”

1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”

1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son’s reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: “He said: ‘Gosh, Dad, that mean’s we’re not going to any more bowl games.'”

1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: “They can’t fire me because my family buys too many tickets.”

1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins’ coach: “I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.”

1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: “We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.”

1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: “They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego’s sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi.”

1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn’t use a lonely end: “We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.”

1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: “It wasn’t as easy as you think. It’s hard to stay awake that long.”

1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”

1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: “Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and I’ll throw it as far as I can?'”

1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA’s Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: “Tom.”

1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: “You mean in the state?”

The Devil Meets The Golfer:

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes. The golfer says to himself: “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would you give up a fourth of your sex
life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the
right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,”OK.” And sinks the
putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he
makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to
give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” The golfer says,
“Certainly.” And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the
stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you
because you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from now on you will have no
sex life.” “Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley!”

14> “Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary — the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.”

13> “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”

12> “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”

11> “I’ve seen women pee standing up with better aim.”

10> “Somebody call Janet Reno — I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!”

9> “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”

8> “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”

7> “Hey, Cunningham — Andy Warhol called. You’re at 14:55 and we’re tickin’ big-time here, Chachi.”

6> “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”

5> “Hey Deion, Bubbelah — maybe you’d better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you’d paid for life’s little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?”

4> “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.”

3> “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”

2> “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.”

1> “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee,
preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his
backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in
front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked.
As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was
that about?!!!”

“Take no notice. Just get on with the game,” replied the other.

Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four
men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young
lady. “What……?!?”

“Look. Just get on with the game,” said the second. “We don’t have all day,
and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.,” the second says with a chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by
another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of
sand. “Now, hold on a minute,” said the first golfer, “I’m not playing until you
tell me what’s going on.”

“OK,” said the second. “Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady
is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in
white coats are chasing her.”

“I’ll buy that,” said the first, “but what’s with the guy and the two buckets
of sand?”

“He’s the guy who caught her the last time. That’s his handicap.”

Limp Bizkit and Dennis Rodman are on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?

The music world and the NBA…

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he’s too polite to say anything.

“When I tee off, ” the singer explains, “I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.”

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.
When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, “How about if we play for $100,000?”
Tiger insists he couldn’t possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, “OK, it’s your money… when do you want to play?”

Stevie replies, “I’ll play on any NIGHT you choose!”

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen
old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his
pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a
while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit
embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It’s all right ma’am, they’re just
golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
“Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too.” (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating.” (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'” (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”