Category: sports

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage.
Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”
Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take
her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the
tree stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll
come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an
elephant… much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he
hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her
yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have
your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.
The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when
the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you
call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him — I was just trying to
trip him up.”

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one
of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal.
Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little
boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help but notice that he
was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. “I guess you
must be in the fifth,” she said.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks
for the lift anyhow.”

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer
had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move
heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” said the
caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the Earth.”

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Jody,” Bill said, “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I.” Jody said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see.” he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the
orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The
social worker asks him, “Well, do you want to go back and live with your father
again?”

“No,” replies the boy. “He beats me.”

The social worker says, “Do you want to live with your mother?”

The boy says, “No, she beats me too.”

“Well, then,” asks the social worker, “Who do you want to live with?”

The boy answers, “The New Orleans Saints.”

The social worker is taken aback. “The Saints? Why do you want to live with
the New Orleans Saints?”

“Because,” replies the boy, “They don’t beat anybody.”

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and
talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do
you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal:
if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and
if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day
soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he
hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

Why did the goal post get angry?Because the bar was rattled! What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football?Fiver side! What part of a football ground is never the same?The changing rooms! What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?Bring on their subs!

1 day a man went to the bank. He wented to get his qurter-back.

It’s legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

The protective equipment is reusable.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.

Periods last only 20 minutes.

A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

Your parents cheer when you score.

You can tell your friends about it afterwards.