Category: sports

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.”

The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

“What happened?” asked one of the members.

“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”

Q: What do you call a Tim in Europe after Xmas?
A: A tourist…

Three guys are sitting watching a game on the tube, when one of the guys
says, “You know, I have five great sons. They could make a basketball
team.”

The second guy replies, “Oh yeah, I have nine awesome sons. They could
make a baseball team.”

The third guy hesitates and says, “Well, eighteen daughters for me. That’d
make a golf course.”

A lady begins her first shot of the day off the tee. Unfortunately it slices
and before she can yell FORE! It hits a man about 150 yrds away.

The man throws his hands together, reaches in between his legs and drops!
Feeling terrible about this, the lady runs to him and says, “Are you alright?”
He just moans rolling back and forth on the ground with his hands at his crotch.
She says, “Let me help you. I’m a masseuse and I’ll massage that for you till
the pain goes away!”

So she moves his hands and begins to massage his privates quite gently. He
begins looking a bit better and she asks, “Does that feel good, are you
alright?” To which the man replies, “Ya that feels great! But my thumb is still
killing me from the ball!”

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the
national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” and the inmates complied
by standing up.

After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” and they all sat. After a home run he
yelled, “Cheer nuts!” and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking
things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving
his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.

Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well…
everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!'”

The horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Clean Sheets
3. Bare Belly
4. Thighs
5. Silk Panties
6. Big Johnson
7. Conscience
8. Heavy Bosom
9. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry

At the post: Aaaaaand they’re off !!! Conscience is left behind at
the post. Jockey Shorts and Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is
being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big
Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark: It’s Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and
Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against
Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is
making the final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish: It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got !!!…and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer !!! It
looks like a dead heat but BIG JOHNSON squirts through and wins by a
head!!!

WHOHHH!! Heavy Bosom weakens, and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had
a chance…………

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?
A family reunion.

Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?
A: There’s a ‘face-off’ in the corner.

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder
width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go
ahead of you.
3. You shouldn’t stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

A man was trying to teach his wife how to play golf. While she
was playing, she did a horrible slice and the ball crashed into
a nearby house’s window and also broke a vase.

“CRAP!” The womman said. They went over to pay for any damages,
and when they got there they saw a half-naked man wearing a
turban.

The strange man exclaimed that he was a genie and the vase they
broke freed him, and would give them two wishes and would keep
the last wish for himself.

They talked a while and asked for a mansion. The genie said,
“When you return you shall have a house so huge nothing could
come close in comparison to it.” For the second wish, they asked
to both (sometime in their life) be in the PGA tour and win. The
genie repied, “You will not only win but will also hold an
outstanding new record.”

Now this was a very horny genie, so for his third wish he wished
to fuck the man’s wife. They thought it over and decided it was
fair, so the genie fucks her every way in the book.

Afterwards the woman asked the genie what it felt like trapped
in a vase all those years, and the genie replyed. “You still
believe in that genie shit?”

What is a football player’s favorite instrument?

The Sacks-saphone.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage.
Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”
Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take
her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the
tree stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll
come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an
elephant… much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he
hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her
yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have
your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”