Category: sports

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.Joe asked “what’s wrong?” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you’re fired”

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.”

“Well, he said,… We were married for 25 years.”

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking
their time and are slowing the men down.

So one man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can
play through.” He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he
turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.
Why don’t you go talk to them?”

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns
around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, “Now what happened?” To this he
replies, “It’s a small world.”

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why’s that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

there were three men a chinamen a whiteman and a indan they went out hunting the chinaman brang a moose back they sed ware did u get that i followed the tracks and BANG the white man went out hunting he brang back a deer they sed were did u get that i followed the tracks and BANG the indain went hunting and came back with a missing leg and no arms they sed ware did u get that i followed the tracks and BANG BANG i got hit by a train

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became
too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to
stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a
piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other
end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn
on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew
past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the
other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120
mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the
other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed
bike honking to pass.”

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a
half-hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you
go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred-dollar bill-now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for
your car. Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice,
and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at
high speed.

Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are
in the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere, as long as it’s in a snowstorm and
you’re following an 18-wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real
thing!

There were three golfers. One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He
walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted
and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.

The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer
walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard
and hit it onto the green.

As you no doubt guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was
Jesus.

The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for
the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and
grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water,
a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over
the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the
fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and
into the hole.

Then Jesus shouted, “Dad! If you do that again, I’m not going to invite you to
play golf with us in the future!”

13. Your dojo’s symbol is a bullseye target.

12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.

11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.

10. The “gees” are used hospital gowns, and the “throwing stars” are just slices of old cheese.

9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.

8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.

7. Instructor’s low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one “pop quizzes” in dark alleys.

6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.

5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.

4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase “Insurance does not exist in this dojo!”

3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.

2. Sensei’s “ancient Chinese secret” required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.

1. Did Confucius ever really say he was “going to open up a can of whoop-ass” on someone?

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag,
but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green,
they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both
using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House
and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots
under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow
ball?”

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that’s the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, “Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?”
Joe says, “Yes I did.”

“Well,” says the police officer, “it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And it’s all because you sliced the ball.”

“Oh my goodness,” says Joe, “is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is,” the cop says… “Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.”