Category: sports

A boys parents are getting a divorce, and fighting about who the boy will live
with. They go to court and the judge asks, “little boy do you want to live with
your mom?” Boy: “No, she beats me.” Judge: “do you want to live with you dad?”
Boy: “NO he beats me too.” Judge: ” Then who do you want to live with?” Boy: ” I
want to live with the Redskins, they can’t beat anybody.”

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language, as he played
golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out
of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” he said, in a calm
voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Dave. “What the hell do they have to cuss about?”

16> Just like that, WNBA teams finally begin to make a profit.

15> Pairs figure skating judges award an extra two-tenths of a point for no-hands lifts.

14> Week after week, women’s curling dominates Monday night TV ratings.

13> Entire hockey teams placed in penalty box during a Hooters halftime show for high sticking.

12> Don Zimmer joins Pete Rose on baseball’s banned-for-life list.

11> During the Women’s World Cup, American men are driven insane by the unresolvable dilemma: seeing nude women vs. having to watch soccer.

10> A lot more care has to be taken during relay-race handoffs.

9> The Baseball Hall of Fame has an admission charge; The Naked Baseball Hall of Fame has a cover and two-drink minimum.

8> Good dribbling skills no longer so highly valued.

7> Dramatic increase in baseball players nicknamed “A-Rod” and ice hockey players nicknamed “Pee Wee.”

6> Women’s gymnastics pommel horse event suddenly popular with the NASCAR crowd.

5> Some 90 percent of quarterbacks insist that all plays from scrimmage utilize the shotgun formation.

4> Fencing no longer requires actual swords, just a couple of Viagra pills.

3> After the naked Holyfield fight, other boxers steer clear of a bout with Mike Tyson.

2> Sen. Rick Santorum proposes legislation that would outlaw the two-man luge.

1> Trust me, you don’t want to know where the naked tennis players keep that extra ball when they serve.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he
was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even
the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a
Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one
corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200
yards away — ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers
100 yards away — ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph — bull’s-eye!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football,
and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are
not my son.”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring
fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten with an inch of their lives last week, and this week your
sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

“…I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of
the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was
going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up,
alphabetically by height.” And: “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line
up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of
academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The
tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t
been through in school.”

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn
injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was
lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition
for football?” (1966)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He
treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s
trainer comes to him and says, “Now don’t forget all the
research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match
because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each
other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him
up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up
from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for
he knows all is lost. He can’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there’s a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up
in the air. The Russian’s back hits the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answers, “Well, I
was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!”

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in
the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He
told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was
wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she
was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one
would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do
her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got
it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista
for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was
that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her
husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the
mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken
leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So. How did you break your leg?” she
asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski
lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing
backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of
her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look
and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift … “

” … So, how did you break your arm?”

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been.

The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!?”

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.”

“Well, we were married for 25 years!”

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.

Day 1.

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4.

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5.

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6.

Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7.

Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.