Category: sports

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. One morning, the husband came
back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. The
wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she
rowed out a short distance from shore, anchored the boat and started on reading
a book she had brought with her.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat — pulls up alongside and asks, “What are
you doing out here?”

She replies, “I’m just reading a book.”

“Well, ma’am, this is a restricted area”, he says. Then he sees all the
fishing equipment in the boat and continues, “You can’t fish here, ma’am.”

To which she replies, “I’m not fishing. I’m merely sitting here reading my
book.”

“But you have all this equipment; I will have to take you in and write you
up.”

“If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”

“Why … I didn’t even touch you.”

“No, you haven’t, but you have all the equipment…

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?” “Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked. “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there’s a sign stating – “Play like champions today!”

There’s also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
“Don’t forget your HELMET!”

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?

Because even God can’t stand to watch!

15> The gardener finish mowing the lawn in under five minutes.
The Texas Stadium lawn.

14> The mail carrier runs house to house, spiking TV Guides and
yelling, “In your FACE, Dallas!”

13> Arrives at your wedding in a sleeveless tuxedo.

12> Your morning newspaper rockets through the picture window,
blasts out the sliding doors and does a perfect swan dive into the
neighbors’ stagnant kiddie pool.

11> Last year: Dade County macrame champion.
    This year: all-time MLB RBI champion.

10> Asking your wife, “What’s for dinner?” now earns you a snort
and repetitive pawing at the dirt.

 9> When raising the host, Father O’Malley now strikes
a body-builder pose.

 8> Johnny’s mom gives all eight kids on the soccer
team a ride to practice — piggyback.

 7> Grandma’s latest hobby: crocheting trawling nets
for tuna boats.

 6> When your wife gets a wobbly-wheeled cart at the
supermarket, she just picks it up and carries it around like a hand
basket.

 5> Manages to work “testicle size is overrated” into
every conversation.

 4> He’s far and away the best player on his T-ball
team — and the *only* one with a beard.

 3> Kicks your mailbox off its post, then says, “I’ll
ask again: How many boxes of Thin Mints shall I put you down for?”

 2> The Starbucks barista has taken to grinding the
beans for your latte in his teeth.

 1> Just went 4-for-5 with three homers against Randy
Johnson — while on her period.

            
[  The Top 5 List  
www.topfive.com  ]             
[   Copyright 2005 by Chris
White    ]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

Why can’t the Chicago Bears win a game?

Because they go into hibernation too early.

How do you get a one armed Irish Celtic fan down from a tree?
… Wave at him…

What do you call 45 guys in a bar room watching the Super Bowl?

The Jets!

One girl’s parents beat her, so she had to go to court to decide
who she would stay with, the judge asked her, “Little girl,
would you like to stay with your mommy?” The little girl said,
“No. my mommy beats me.” So then the judge asked if the little
girl wanted to stay with her daddy. The little girl said, “No,
my daddy beats me.” After that the judge gave up and said,
“Little girl, if you don’t want to stay with your mommy or
daddy, who do you want to stay with?” The little girl simply
replied, “I want to stay with the Rams, they never beat anyone!”

Reporter: ‘Tell me, Mr. Harris; will your �1,000,000 win on the football pools
make any difference to your way of life?’
Pools winner: ‘None at all. I shall carry on exactly as before.’
Reporter: ‘But what about all the begging letters?’
Pools winner: ‘Oh, I’ll keep sending them out as usual.’