Category: sports

13) “None for me thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.”
12) “Tampax! Get ‘cha Tampax here!”
11) “Hey, shut up! I can’t hear the race.”
10) “Sex with your sister!? Man, that’s sick.”
9) “My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!”
8) “Hey, you with the large breasts — out of the way! We’re trying to watch a
race here!”
7) “Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my
attach� case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.”
6) “What a coincidence, Hank — all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!”
5) “These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!”
4) “Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at ‘Depends’ understand you’re looking for a
new corporate sponsor…”
3) “Whew! No more beer for me, fellas…”
2) “Filling in for Dale ‘the intimidator’ Earnhardt today is substitute
driver, Michael ‘Lord of the Dance’ Flatley.”
1) “…and now, singing our national anthem — international recording artist
Boy George!”

One day Jim complained to his friend, “My elbow really
hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered. “Don’t do that.
There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.” Simply put in a sample of your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you
can do about it. It only cost $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arms in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again
made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, “I’ll cut that cat in two,” and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it’s not a cat, it’s a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he’s sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.

Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker’s hand, he asks mockingly, “So, how do you like it here?”

The bad-a** biker replies, “Man, this is one COOL place!”

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.

The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, “So, how do you like it now?”

Still the bad-a** biker responds by saying, “This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.”

Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it.

Undaunted, the biker proclaims, “It’s almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!”

Now the Devil is just plain upset, so he turns the thermostat all the way down.

The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, “OK smart-arse, how do you like it NOW?”

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, “W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?”

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.”Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor.”P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied.”Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

George was describing a 30 pound Bass he’d caught recently after fighting it
for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took
of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.”
George replied, “Well… a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three
hours of fighting.”

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets
there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and
flaking off, and he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque
appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he
might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it
would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs
you, I will move.”

“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer,
hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit
next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will
find another place to sit.”

“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to
vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and
pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is
completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit
next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will
find another place to sit.”

“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to
vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at
the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, then what
is?”

“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to
make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Arnold Palmer.”

“Arnold Palmer the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband
gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” says the wife.

The husband replies, “I’m hungry. I was going to call room service and get
some food.”

“Arnie wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?”

“He would come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you dong?” she says.

The husband replies, “I’m still hungry so I was going to order room service
to get some food.”

“Arnie wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“NO! I’m calling Palmer to find out what’s par for this hole!”

Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

“I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off.

9. Your last match was promoted as “The Snooza in Tuscaloosa.”

8. When you hear the bell, you shout, “Is it dinner time, mommy?”

7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip.

6. Instead of “Let’s get ready to rumble!” announcer says, “Let’s watch the geezer get his ass kicked!”

5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren.

4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks.

3. Opponent’s glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat.

2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap.

1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys

Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.

Q: What’s Jerry Jones’ biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who’s driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on “grass”.

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new “Honor System”.
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year.
8 arrests, 8 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.

Q: What’s the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.

A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her “Just get the guy’s jersey number and we’ll get back to you.”

Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs’
game played by gentlemen; soccer – a gentleman’s game played by thugs; and
Gaelic football – a thugs’ game played by thugs!