Category: sex

Q. what is the definition of a menstrual period?
a. a bloody waste of f****** time.

Two guys head to Las Vegas, the driver is married. His friend is still a virgin, and wishes to lose his cherry. So his friend is taking him to a cathouse.The driver tells his friend to ask for a 69,friend replys, is that good? He says just ask for one.So they get there, the guy picks a girl. While in the room, the girl asks if theres anything special he wants to do,he says yes, I want to try one of those 69ers.So she says take your clothes off and lay on your back.She takes off her clothes, gets on top of him, and says, I am going to suck your dick and you lick my pussy.Ten seconds into it the girl farts, he pulls his head away,she says sorry.He replies thats okay, and so they continue.Two minutes later she farts again,she says sorry once more, he says lady, I like you and all, but I do not think I could take 67 more of those.

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it’s answered by a middle-aged man, “Mornin’ stranger, what can I do for ya?”.

“Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We’re paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we’re soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don’t see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man”, says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, “Okay…first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”

“Yessir, for as long as I can remember”.

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let’s see…..we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex.”

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says “We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you’d use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” the homeowner says in a whisper, “we put it on our bedroom doorknob”.

The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues, “It keeps the kids out”.

One Day 3 men were driving down a road and there car broke down so they had to walk to a gas station or a hotel. They walked for 300 miles and they finally came to this one house in the middle of nowhere. They knocked on the front door and an old woman answered the door.

One of the men asked “Can we come in and rest and have something to eat?”

The woman said ” Only if all of you have sex with me.”

The man replied loudly ” NO WAY!!!!”

Then she said “Well there is not going to be another gas station or service station for 300 miles.”

They all agreed and said yes. When the first man came in she said I am ready the man said ok hold on I will be right back. But you have to keep this blind fold on and she did.
The man then went out to the feild and got 3 cobs of corn. He came back and stuck one in and took it out and threw it out the window and did that with each ear of corn.

After the woman said”Man, That was the best I have ever had in 70 years!”

Then he went outside and told his friends to come inside and eat.

“No” they said “It is ok we were sitting out here and we saw corn falling out the window and we saved you a peice.”

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!”

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!

There was a young pretty virgin girl who lived with her grandma.
She was invited to go on her first date. Before the date her
grandma took her aside and said to her, ” The boy is going to
try to kiss you; you will like that. But don’t let him do it.
The boy will try to feel your breast; you will like that. But
don’t let him do it. The boy will try to put his hands between
your legs; you will like that. But don’t let him do that. The
boy will try to get on top of you and have his way with you.
Most certainely don’t let him do that. He will disgrace your
dear family if you let him do that.”

The girl went on her date and when she came back her grandma
asked her how it went. The young girl said, “It was just like
you said Grandma! But, to reassure you. When he tried that
business with getting on top of me, I rolled him over, got on
top of him, and disgraced HIS family!”

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Jennifer Lopez, who was detained and questioned by police at the 35th precinct in NYC after a club shooting in a night club was not charged. It took the police 13 hours to exonerate her and 10 strip searches. “If I’m being strip searched, why do you, at the same time, have to frisk me?”

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.” “Well,” said the other woman,” that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”

Q. What is the difference between “Ouch!” and “Amah!”?
A. About three inches.

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, “Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I’m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?” The doctor says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.” The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it in” and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, “What the heck was that? The wife explains, “Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.” The husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!”