Category: sex

A modest young lady had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, ‘If you can read this, you’re too damned close’ embroidered on her panties and bra. “Yes, madam,” said the clerk, “I’m quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?” “Braille!” she replied.

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he’s
getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, “Daddy, what’s
that?” Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, “Uh, I
can’t tell you, it’s a secret.” The little girl finds her mother
and asks, “What is that long thing between Daddy’s legs?” Her
mother also doesn’t want to explain sex yet, so she says, “I
don’t know, he won’t tell me.”

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. “Mommy,
I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy’s legs is.
It’s a toothbrush!” “Why do you think that?” the amused mother
asks.

“Because,” the little girl says, “this morning I saw the maid
sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste
dripping down her chin.”

it was birthday so I invited my boyfriend to bring me some videos so we could snuggle up and watch.to my surprise he boutgh pornography and he put one in about gayz and they had such huge cocks he said to be do you want to give me a blow job while we watch this and i responded no i wanna give the man in you the man in the movie since yo u are gay!!!! and he stormed out and we broke up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A married couple finally saved up enough money to go on their fantasy vacation to mars.While strolling along the red dirt and craters the couple meets up with a martian couple.
The two couples get to talking and up comes the subject of sex.In curiosity the two couples decided to switch partners for the night.
The wife and the martian man were about to have their fun, but when The martian man pulled off his pants and it was the size of a pencil.The wife asked “Can you make it longer?”The martian replied “yes.” and slapped his forhead, it grew longer. Then the wife asked “can you make it wider?” The martian replied again “yes.” he pulled his ears and it grew wider.
So the martian man and the wife went to town and had their fun. The next day the couples met up again and the wife asks her husband “So how was you night honey? Mine was great!”
“Mine was horrible!” the husband said.
“why?” his wife asked.
“That damn alien bitch kept slapping my head and pulling my ears!”

There was a white man, black man, and a chinese man. They all wanted to f*** the kings daughter. So the king said, “whoever can stick it in her pussy and not get it stuck, will marry her.” So the white man goes first, but it gets stuck. They get a crowbar and popp it out. The black man goes, but gets it stuck. They get the crowbar, and pop it out. Then the chinese man goes in and out, in and out. They all ask him how he did it. He said,”Me chinese, me be quick, me put crisco on my dick.”

So the king decided it was not fair and put another test to try. “Whoever has the biggest penis, will marry my daughter.” The white man walks out all confident, and pulls down his pants. The king rubs his magic ball and says

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours.” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?”

“Well,” the doctor answered, “Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?”

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”

Your mommas like a race car, she burns four rubbers a night

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds �My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

me girlfriend said to me in bed last night “your a pervert” i said “thats a big word for a nine year old”

There once was a thirty-five year old man named Kevin. He
decided that he was fed up with his work so he quit and traveled
around the world. After a month he ended up in a small town in
the middle of nowhere. There he discovered he was almost out of
money and all his credit cards were maxed out. With nowhere to
go and nothing to do, Kevin ended up wandering around the town.
He walked by a loud bar with men inside hollering and hooting,
just like any other bar in town. Kevin was about to continue
when he noticed a large container filled with money on the
counter. Curious, he wandered in and made his way up to the
bartender.

“Excuse me sir, I was just passing by and I noticed that large
container of money. May I ask what it’s for?” Kevin asked.

“Well, there’s a rottwieller out back who needs a tooth pulled,
then an old lady upstairs who needs an orgasm. If you help them
out, you get the money.” Kevin decided that even though he was
almost totally broke, it wasn’t worth the money, so he left.

A few hours later he returns to the bar, VERY drunk after
spending all of his remaining money on beer. He approaches the
bartender and asks if the money offer was still up. The
bartender says yes and shows him where the rottwieller is then
quickly goes back inside to get out of reach of the angry dog.

For almost an hour the bartender can hear growls and yells and
whimpers and barks. Finally Kevin comes back in with his clothes
all ripped and torn, and his face all covered in blood and mud.

“Alright.” Kevin says. “Now where’s the old lady who needs her
tooth pulled.”

Q:What do you call an anorexic female with a yeast infection? A:A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew the lightbulb!