Category: sex

1. Your Mattress has turned into a giant sponge.2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.3. An Earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter scale is recorded in your area.4. The cat is exhausted from watching you.5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.6. You have both gone down one clothing size.7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. Threre is nothing to adjust.8. You have to breath into a brown paper bag.9. Boy, are you hungry.10. Youre absoulutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

If jack was stuck on a horse would u help jack off the horse??

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady
luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask
her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her
husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I
knew what the answers are! You know I’m not going to sleep at
all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

“Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all
be OK.”

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane
asked.

“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.”

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a
very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s
question and answer!”

“What is it?” she cried excitedly.

“OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the
penis.'” The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at
ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the
penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And
Roger asked her again in the

morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again,
Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel
butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after
reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds.”

“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.

“Very good. Six seconds.”

“Eh, uh, the heart?”

“Very good! Four seconds.”

“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

“That’s close enough!” said the game show host,
“CONGRATULATIONS!!”

what is a jewish dilema
Free ham

how do u make ur girlfriend scream?

tell her.

It is the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Carrie.He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, Carries father answers and invites him in.’Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?’ her dad said.’That’s cool’, says Bobby.Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie’s father responds ‘why don’t you two go somewhere and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.’Bobby, is not quite sure he heard correctly, so he asks Carries dad to repeat what was just said.’Yeah’, her dad says, ‘Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!’Well, this certainly made Bobby’s emotions light up. Now he’s REALLY looking forward to the evening.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:’DAMMIT DADDY!! IT’S CALLED: ‘THE TWIST!!”

There were these two boys who were late for school one day. And the first boy walked into the classroom and the teacher said why are you late he said because I was on Mayberry Hill. So the second boy walks in and the teacher says why are you late and he says because I was on Mayberry Hill. Then this new girl comes in and the teacher says whats your name and then she says my name is Mayberry Hill.

This should be sung to the tune “A Few of My Favorite Things” from the movie�
The Sound of Music”

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings, When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Their was a boy and a girl at camp and they dicide they want to hace sex on the top bunk.So they to have code words. THey make harder “lettace lettace” and stop “tomato tomato.” So they up their aand you hear ” LETTACE LETTACE TOMATO TOMATO LETTACE TOMATO LETACE!!!” Then the boy and the bunk balow says ” can uyou guys stop making sandwitches up their your getting mayo all over wy face.

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why does Frankenstein always walk around moaning and saying “Eeeeeehhhhhh””

A: Because he was screwed!

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