Category: sex

Knock, knock
who�s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.

Knock, knock
who�s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don�t know. I just deliver packages.

Knock, knock
who�s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.

Knock
Who�s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I�m the guy delivering it.
Great.

Knock
Who�s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I�ll be right out, Susan.

Knock, knock
who�s there.
You might be a redneck if? You think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if? You think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It�s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.

Knock, knock
who�s there?
Boo
Boo who
don�t get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say �boo-hook?
You�re a real idiot.
That wasn�t necessary.

Knock
who�s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I�m not crazy; I just need to get off this island. The doctors don�t believe I
invented the chocolate �clair. But I did. I�m going to burn them all and drink
soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I�ll kill you last!

Knock, knock
you mama
you mama who?
You mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.

I bet you�re fat, huh?
I�m? Br> you are, aren�t you? Fat!
I�m plumpish.

Knock, knock
who�s there?
FBI!
?bra>? Bra> Hello? FBI! Let us in!
?bra> �nobody hereby> Oh. Let�s go boys!
(Phew!)

Knock, knock
who�s there?
There�s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There�s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There�s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that�s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells
toothless mouth love for �mind eraser? Shooters at the Tyson�s Mall TGIFriday�s.
Let the whore sleep it off.

Knock, knock
who�s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I�m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.

Knock, knock
Tremble mortal and despair? It is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH!
Tremble mortal and despair? It is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who?
Actually, I�m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I
hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? It�s rude and the other way
around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. Sober> you want to use my toilet?
Yeah?
Go right ahead.
Got anything to read?
Just the crossword.
You finished it.
Sorry?
Hold my scythe.
Hey! Don�t forget to light a match.

What three things can a woman do that no-one else can?

1. Bleed for a week without dying
2. Produce milk with eating grass
3. Make a man come without calling him!

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.

“I am the pharmacist,” she informed him.

“Oh, in that case forget it,” he replied and started to leave.

“Young man,” the lady said to him, “My sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven’t heard, so what is your problem?”

“Well,” the young man said reluctantly, “I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won’t go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?”

“I’ll have to go in the back and talk to my sister,” she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back.

“Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy.”

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the
head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year
and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during
sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do
their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research,
they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around
$75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from
flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

WHATS LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF SEAMEN?

A SUBMARINE!

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, “Don’t I even get my agent’s ten percent as a deduction?””No siree,” she said. “If you want it, you’re going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns.”The agent didn’t like that at all, but he agreed.That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover’s vitality.”My goodness,” she whispered in the dark, “you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent.””I’m not your agent, lady,” a strange voice answered. “He’s at the darn door selling tickets.”

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

yo mamma so fat we were having sex and I rolled over nine times,I was still on that BITCH!

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they’ve had sex, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”

She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, ”Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.” As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word ”Tampax” for ”Thumbtacks.” In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, ”Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, “I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman.”

To their surprise, the woman turned and said, “I’ll take you up on that.”

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, “If you don’t give me the other 25 I’ll sue you for it.”

He laughed, saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”

The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant…. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.”

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:

“Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”

The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned…. This is what he said:

“Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted.”

The young lady’s lawyer’s comeback was like this….

“Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted.”

She got it….

I can understand why men don’t like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.