Category: sex

Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter…

Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.

Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.

Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.

Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.

Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.

Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.

Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.

Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.

Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.

Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.

Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms.

Sex while broke – poor-gasms.

Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.

Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.

Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.

Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms.

Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.

Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.

Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.

Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.

Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.

Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.

Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.

Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms.

Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.

Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.

Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.

Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.

Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.

Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.

Sex while flying – soar-gasms.

Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.

Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.

Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms.

Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.

Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.

Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms.

Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.

Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.

Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.

Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms.

Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, ”I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.This time he whispered in her ear, ”Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as “assault with a dead weapon.”

Viagra, medicine’s version of “MIRACLE-GRO.” Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn’t really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you’ll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they’ll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton’s DNA.

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VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC ———————— WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, “There’s no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands,like President Clinton’s, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.”

This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, “What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”

His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

12> Wimpy — “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today.”

11> Foghorn Leghorn — Ah say, boy, ah say, you’ve got it all wrong. Those little chickens you’ve been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol’ hen, like me.”

10> Bart Simpson — “Eat my shorts, ma’am!”

9> Batman — “Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?”

8> Speedy Gonzales — “Senorita, it’s just a nickname!”

7> Pepe LePew — “But, mon cherie — I don’t smell any worse than anyone else in France.”

6> Ross Perot — “I’m worth $4 billion.”

5> Porky Pig — “L-L-Let’s go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu… hump.”

4> Popeye — “I’m strong to the finish ’cause I takes Viagra!”

3> Pinocchio — “Hey, I *am* a woody!”

2> Underdog — “My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?”

1> Tweety Bird — “I wuuuv to eat putty!”

A priest had lost his chiken and decided that he would bring it up at Sunday mass.

So in the middle of mass he gets up, walks up to the microphone and asks:

Has anyone seen a cock?
All the girls raise their hands

No,No,does anyone have a cock?
All the guys raise their hand

No,No, Has anyone seen my cock?
All the little boys in the church stand up

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, “If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?”

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, “Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.”

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, “7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.”

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, “Jack Daniels.”

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, “Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.”

The third lady says, “Yep, thats my Larry!”

One day Johnny walks in on his mother showering and he asks her “what that tuff of hair”” is she says “”its mommys airport sweety””
“”ok”” the next day he walks in on his dad showering and he askes “”wut that long thing”” he says “”its an airplane”” “”ok”” then that night he walks in his parents having a little rondevu and he screams out “”daddy your plane crashed into mommies airport and now the head lights are getting bigger

“

How is a woman a lot like a bowling ball?
You finger her 3 times, fuck her down the alley, and the bitch still comes back 4 more.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, “Why the panties?”She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.” He knows he’s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this – a black condom?”He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”

There was a man who has worked in a deli for two years and
everyday the man wanted to shove his dick in the pickle slicer.
One day he just says “Im goin for it.”
He comes home from work that night and tells his wife he was
fired from his job.
“Why were you fired?” asked his wife
“Becuase I shoved my dick in the pickle slicer.”
“What happened to the pickle slicer?”
“She got fired too.”

Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common?
A. All it takes is one prick and it�s all over.