Category: sex

Q:How do you know its bedtime in Neverland?

A:When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, �Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?�

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream �Oh Henry, Oh Henry!�

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, �Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.� I said, �Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?�

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, �Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!� as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: ‘What was that for?’Wife: ‘What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?’ Man: ‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.’ The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: ‘What the hell was that for this time?’ Wife: ‘Your horse called.’

There was a boy about 18 years old, and he still lived at home.
He and his girlfriend were out for dinner, and when they came
back they wanted to get a little…busy;). When the boy came
inside the house with his girlfriend, his parents were just
leaving. Your little brother is sleeping in his room. They two
older ones started making out and soon they went to the boys
room to get in bed and do the horizontal. That’s when the boy
remembered that his brother was still there, sleeping in the
bottom bunk bed they shared. He was sound asleep, so the boy
told his girlfriend that they would have sex in the top bunk,
and use code. They stripped down and he said,
“ok, if you want me to change positions, say lettuce, if you
want it harder, say tomato.” Soon the girl was screaming,
“Lettuce”
“Tomato”
“lettuce” over and over. They woke up the little boy. That’s
when the little one said,
“can you two stop making sandwiches up there…you’re getting
mayonaise all over me!”

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the
next 20 years.

My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

“Mom, I’m pregnant.”

“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”

“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

Why Do Irishmen Wear 2 Condoms??

To be sure, to be sure

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

“So? How was it going last night? C’mon, tell me! How’s your wife?”
“Uhh, fine I guess, she’s lying on the bed smoking.”
“Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore…”

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to
getting older. The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to
getting older.”

“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.

“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused
in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get
these terrible headaches.” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a
headache in years.”

What is the difference between pink and purple?

The grip, man, its all in the grip!

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don’t do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it’s free
Teachers do it with class
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals