Category: sex

A man takes his seat on an airplane. When he looks up he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation, so he asks, ‘Where are you flying to today?’She responds, ‘To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.’ He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! ‘And what do you do at this meeting?’ he asks.’Well,’ she says, ‘we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”And what myths are those?’ he goes on desperately. She goes on to explain, ‘Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when it’s actually men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers.”Very interesting…..’ the man responds.Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says, ‘I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know your name!’The man extends his hand and replies, ‘Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.’

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit(to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered, “Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!”

Computer sex: Oh, Oh, Oh, one, Oh, one, one, Oh, Oh.Kitty porn: Hairless cats. See ‘shaved pussy’.Phone sex: Causes ‘hearing AIDS’.Aural sex: It only sounds good.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. “Can I help you?” the
madam asked. “I want Natalie,” the old man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one
of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…” “No, I must see
Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and
handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon
the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that
no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no
discounts… it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money,
the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row… where are you from?” The old man
replied, “I am from Minsk.” “Really?” replied Natalie, “I have a sister
who lives there.” “Yes, I know,” said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to
give to you.”

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the
road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks,
“What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She
replies, “Oh, I see.”

They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare
having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He
answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.”

They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed.
They get in bed and start exploring each other’s body. She
discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That’s my rope.”
he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?”
“They are my knots,” he replies.

Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she
says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What’s the matter baby?” he
asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!”

A woman was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark all the time. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp, only to discover a cucumber in his hand. “THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 10 years?” “Honey! Let me explain!” “Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent SOB!!” “Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “Maybe you’d care to explain our 2 kids submitted by: Lisa

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?”

Daddy was relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

why do guys like to fuck infront of mirrors. cause objects apear bigger.

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”She says, “It’s me lower mouth.”He says, “What do you mean, ‘your lower mouth?'”She says, “Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a moustache… It’s got lips…”He asks, “Has it got a tongue in it?”She says, “Not yet. . .”

One day a little boy asked his mom why she got divorced.
She said “I’ll tell you when you get older.
That day when the kid went to school he asked his teacher why his mom and dad
got divorced. She said, “Why don’t you check your mommy’s driver’s license. So
that night the boy looked at his mom’s license and in the morning he told his
mom “I know why you and daddy got divorced, you got an F
in sex.”

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a
long standing obsession – to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts.
But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret
desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King’s chief physician.
Horatio said, “I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay
bribes”.
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a
little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity.
When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further
explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the
Dragon Master’s mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial
command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion,
which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked
passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.
However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything
and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the
King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into
King Arthur’s loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the
King…