Category: sex

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises
in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year
old daughter playing with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” Asked the mother.

“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get
married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.” The
mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the
bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the
vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m 40 years old now
and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll
ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a
beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the
football game on TV.

“What on earth are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m
having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!”

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

I go in dry I come out wet.
The longer Im in the stronger I get.
I come out dripping I start to sag,
Im not what you think Im a lyons tea bag!

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What do Santa Clause and Michael Jackson have in common?
Both leave the kids room with empty sacks!!

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor’s.

The first guy says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me!”
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor.

“I have no dick!”

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me!”

“What’s wrong?” the doctor asks.

“I have no dick!”

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!”

“Why?” asks the doctor.

“Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!” He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, “Doctor! I hate you!”

“Why?” the doctor asks.

“Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!” He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, “Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!”

“Why?”

“Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!”

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom…so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: “You keep sneezing, what’s the problem?”

The woman replies: “I have a rare condition…every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

He says, “Oh… what are you taking for it?”

She says: “Pepper.”

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”

“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”

“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.”

“Not if you’re going to watch TV. there ain’t,” she replied.

4 men and one woman go upstairs the lady is sucking ones penus one is behind one is infront the other one is just doodling she is screaming aaaaah they all do it harder she says 1 sex at a time im a sex machine

What kind food is it that ruins your sex life?
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Wedding Cake-Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a
license for Sex. He said,” I’d like one too!� Then I said,� But this is a dog.”
He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said,� You don’t understand.
I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked at me and said,” You must have
been quite a kid.” When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog
with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and
another room for Sex. He said,� As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what
you do.” I said,� Look, you don’t understand, Sex keeps me up at night.” The
clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.” Then I wanted to enter Sex into a
competition. Just before the judges came around, the dog ran away. Another dog
owner came over and asked me what was wrong. I said,”Sex ran away.” He said,�
What?” I told him that I wanted to have sex in the contest. He said, “You’ll
clean up!” “No you don’t understand, I wanted to have Sex on the T.V, I am
taping it at home.” He said, “You know, they do have that stuff on cable these
days.” Then my wife and I decided to separate. So we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said to the judge, “Your honor, I have had Sex since
before we were married.” The judge replied,” This is no confessional. Please
stick to the facts.” Then I told him, after I was married, Sex kind of left me.
The judge said, “Yeah, me too”. Well then last night, Sex got out and ran away
again. So I went looking for him. I just about found him in an alley, when a
police car pulled up. The officer asked me what I was doing. I said, “Looking
for Sex.” My case comes up a week from tomorrow.

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs.

Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack “Taking off her blouse,” “She’s taking off her blouse,” “Blouse is coming off,” “Taking off her blouse,” etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes “Taking off her skirt,” “She’s taking off her skirt,” “Skirt’s coming off,” “Taking off her skirt,” etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line: “She taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” “She taking off her bra!” etc.

Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She taking off her panties!” etc.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!”

And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”