Category: sex

once there was a little boy at the hospital because his grandpa had a heartattack.

litlle boy: grandma how did gramps have his heart atack

grams: well me and grandpa still do it

littleboy: ok

grams: so when we do it we do it to the church bells

little boy: ok

grams: whin the church bells go ding grandpa goes in and when the church bell goes dong grandpa comes out

little boy: oh ok

grams: but the ice cream truck went by and they went ding! ding! ding! ding! ding! and grandpa was trying to keep up.

little boy: oh

Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A. You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?

A: A little fucker about so tall.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

A woman was lonely so she put a article in the local newspaper
looking for someone who would not beat on her, run around on
her, and that could please her. The next day after the article
had went out a the door bell rang and the lady went to the door
and it was a Japanese man who begin speaking Japanese so she
said, “you are not good for me because you do not speak my
language.” The next day a boy came by and she went to the door
and said, “no no you will not do because you are too young.” The
next day a man with no arms or legs came by and she went to the
door and asked, “how are you good for me.” He replied saying, “I
have no arms so I can not beat on you, I have no legs so I can
not run around on you.” So the woman asked, “how can you please
me.” The replied saying, “how do you think I rang the door bell.”

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, ”Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis.”The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, ”Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!” He replies, ”Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

Buying Your Son His First Glove-$6.50
Going To a Baseball Game With Your Son-$45.00
Finding Out Your Son Shoves A Baseball Bat up His Ass For Gay Homosexual Pleasure-Priceless

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel
bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate
rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain
physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is
enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO,
THREE…HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”.

The first whispers back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an
erection”.

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t
even get on the bed!”

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are doing taking all your gear off?”.

The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier”.

The husband said, “No, not at all”.

The wife then asked,” Well, what were you doing then?”.

“Oh”, he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

“How come?”

What’s the definition of a teenager?

God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

They’ll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

Define Transvestite:

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum pole!

What’s the ultimate in rejection?

When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?

There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?

Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?

Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Two Men were in the Elevator, as the door opens the one man said to the other, I want to GO UP not down and the other man replied DONT WE ALL!