Category: sex

Joe dies and goes to heaven, where upon entering the pearly
gates, he sees his neighbor and friend Kent.

“Hey Joe!” exclaims Kent. “I’m surprised to see you here!”

“Yeah, me too!” replies Joe. “So I guess we’re both dead, huh!
Say Kent, how did you die?”

Kent replies, “I died of hypothermia. How about you?”

“Well,” starts Joe, “I was sure that my wife was cheating on me,
so I rushed home from work, barged in the door and while yelling
at her, I tore the house up searching for a lover. After I
failed to find anyone there, I was so ashamed and heartbroken to
have put my wife through my rantings, that I had a heart attack
and died.”

“That’s too bad,” says Kent. “If you had looked in the deep
freeze, then maybe we’d both still be alive.”

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor:”As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, “I’m a Sperm.” She will answer, “I’m the Egg.” From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?”The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, “Then, good luck!”Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, “Hi, I’m a sperm.”The red sticky ball smiles and says, “Hi. I’m a tonsil.”

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.

The product will be marketed by Dow chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”

2 guys walk into a bar. how do u know its a gay bar? cuz the weiners taste like shit

A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, “Bob Peters here?”

The barber replied, “Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts.”

A big Texan ambles into a Dallas men’s room and does a double-take at the little guy standing at the next urinal. He’s holding his “snake” with two hands and smiling.The Texan asks “How long is that snake fella?””14 inches.””Is that 14 inches soft?””Yes.””Well how long is it when it’s hard?”The little guy answers proudly, “I don’t know – it takes so much blood, I faint!”

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

a guy walks into a bar/hotel and slaps fifty cents on the counter. The man says” I want the dirtiest whore you have in here, one who wont complain about the way i do my things.” The man smiles at the desk and says” I think i have just the thing for you.

The man at the counter smiles and tell him to go into room one, the last door on the right.

The man quickly made his way to the room and opened the door. Like the man said the woman was ready and willing to go with no questions asked.

The man quickly took off his cloths and started doing his thing. A few minutes later somthing catches the mans eye.

Semin was begining to pour out of this womans body from everywhere. The man quickly jumps off the woman and runs to the counter butt naked.

The man at the counter says ” is there a problem sir. The other man replies ” yes sir there’s a problem the woman im doing has semin coming out of every body part imaginable.

The man at the counter told him to wait just a minute and he could quickly take care of it. He reaches beneath the counter and dials a number on the phone. A man answers and says may i help you? The man at the counter quickly replies clean up in room one the Dead ones full.

there once was a man from bangoo,
who fell asleep in a canoo,
he had a dream about venus,
and played with his penis,
and woke up with a hand full of goo!

There were three girls (triplets) that got up one morning on their birthday with the idea that they wanted to have someone spend the night for their birthday. They ran down stairs and asked their mom. Their mom said each of you may have one guest over. Each decided to have their boyfriend over. That night the mom went to each of the girls bedroom door to check up on her daughters. At the first door she heard yelling, not knowing why the mom went to the next one’s door. At that door she heard laughing, assuming they must be having fun she went to the last daughters room to her surprise she heard nothing. The next morning she asked each about the noises she had heard.
The first daughter said, Mom it hurt.
The second daughter said, Mom it tickled.
The third daughter said, Mom, you always taught us not to talk with our mouth full.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises
in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year
old daughter playing with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” Asked the mother.

“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get
married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.” The
mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the
bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the
vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m 40 years old now
and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll
ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a
beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the
football game on TV.

“What on earth are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m
having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!”