Category: sex

Did you know you can get aids from sitting on the tolet.If you sit down before the other guy gets up

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing
works. Finally the doctor says to him “This is all in your mind” and
refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, “I am at a loss as to how
you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a
witchdoctor.

The witchdoctor says, “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame,
and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says “This
is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to
do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witchdoctor “What happens when it’s over?” The
witchdoctor says “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234’ and it will
go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123,” and suddenly he
gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?”

Q: What’s the difference between a girl and a toilet?

A: A toilet doesn’t want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just
below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words “Happy Thanksgiving” under
the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry
Christmas” on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She replies, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all
the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas!”

How do a man and women have sex?
By entering in the strip joint or prostitution because they couldent get it from the mates.

A ten year old boy was accused of rape and at the circuit court,
his case was called and his lawyer a female, quickly, lifted the boy on top of a table, opened his zip, pulled out his penis and asked, My Lord, Can this small penis rape and defile a 25 year old girl?

Shh! whispered the boy into the lawyers ears! Please dont shake my penis or else we will loose the case.

sumbited (ERIC TAYLOR-HAGAN) 020 8132755 – more, more, more…….

Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Whats the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor? Pittooey.

Joe dies and goes to heaven, where upon entering the pearly
gates, he sees his neighbor and friend Kent.

“Hey Joe!” exclaims Kent. “I’m surprised to see you here!”

“Yeah, me too!” replies Joe. “So I guess we’re both dead, huh!
Say Kent, how did you die?”

Kent replies, “I died of hypothermia. How about you?”

“Well,” starts Joe, “I was sure that my wife was cheating on me,
so I rushed home from work, barged in the door and while yelling
at her, I tore the house up searching for a lover. After I
failed to find anyone there, I was so ashamed and heartbroken to
have put my wife through my rantings, that I had a heart attack
and died.”

“That’s too bad,” says Kent. “If you had looked in the deep
freeze, then maybe we’d both still be alive.”

Ah, yes divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. – Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” – Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. – Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts? – Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.” – Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what’s the problem? – Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.” – Jerry Seinfeld

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job.

But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

What do Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

They both have little boys pants half-off!

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother. “I was having a
wee and this bullet came out.” replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. “Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.” Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,”
says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out.” And the boy says, “No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!”