Category: sex

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.

“No you can’t,” said Ted.

“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.

“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…

“When my wife had whooping cough…?”

once there was these four nuns who died and went to heaven.When they got to the pearly gates they were greeted by saint Peter with a bowl of holy water. he told them he had to ask them a simple question before he could let them in.The first nun approched and he said “have you ever touched a penis?”she said yes but only with this one finger…He said swirl it around in the holy water and go on in.The second nun approached and he asked “if she had ever touched a penis?”she said yes but only with her hand.He said swirl it in the holy water and go on in..but before the third nun could approach the fourth nun had pushed her aside and came up to the bowl of holy water.. Saint peter said “what do you think you are doing?!”She said “I just want to wash my mouth out before she sits her fat ass in the holy water…..

Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.

Necrophilia – the urge to crack open a cold one.

They were two guys who just loved Italian sausage touring Italy. Right before they left Italy they went on a tour of an Italian meat factory and talked to one Italian worker. They said “can we see your Italian sausage?””. The worker said with a smirk “”sure!”” and whipped out his ding-a-ling. The tourists were disgusted and ran away. They came upon another worker and asked him the same question. He said “”well if you really want to…”” and whipped out his thing. The tourists were disgusted and ran away. Finally when they were getting ready to leave they saw one more worker. So they decide to ask this guy the same question. The guys response was… “”hold on i keep it in the freezer””

“

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You got to open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

There was a lake near town and there was a fly hovering 6 inches above the water.
In the water there was a fish and the fish said” If the fly would drop 6 inches I could get it”.

On the shore there was a bear and the bear said ” If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly and I would go for the fish”.

Behind the bear was a hunter and the hunter said” If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly the bear would would go for the fish and I would shoot the bear”.

Behind the hunter there was a mouse and the mouse said” If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly the bear would go for the fish the hunter would shoot the bear and I would get the cheese sandwich”.

Behind the mouse was a cat the cat said” If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly the bear would go for the fish the hunter would shoot the bear the mouse would go for the cheese sandwich and I would go for the mouse”.

All of a sudden the fly dropped 6 inches the fish went for the fly the bear went for the fish the hunter shot at the bear the mouse went for the cheese sandwich and the cat got so excited she slipped and fell into the lake.

Whats the moral of the story?

EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS 6 INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET!!!

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”Submitted By: Julia

THERE WERE THREE MEN WHO WANTED TO HAVE A DRINK IN A PUB SO THEY WENT AND AS
SOON AS THEY GOT THERE IT DIDNT HAVE A NAME SO THE FIRST ONE GOES LETS CALL IT
THE QUEENS NOSE AND THE SECOND ONE SAID NO LETS CALL IT THE QUEENS ARMS AND THE
THIRD ONE SAID NO LETS CALL IT THE QUEENS LEGS SO THEY SAID YEA THEN A POLICE
MAN COME ALONG AND SAID EXUSE ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING AND THEY REPLYED WE ARE JUST
WAITING FOR THE QUEENS LEGS TO OPEN UP TO GET A DRINK.

Superman called his buddy Batman and ask if he wanted to go hang
out and Batman said no that he and Robin were going to hang out.
So then Superman calls Spiderman and ask if he wanted to go hang
out and he said no that he had a date with Catwoman. So Superman
decided to fly over to Wonderwomans apartment building and see
what she was doing. As he was flying over the buildings he saw
Wonderwoman laid out on top of the building naked with her legs
spread wide open. Superman was very horny, so he decided, hey
I’m Superman, I am faster than a speeding bullet and I can fly
down there and fuck her and then be out of there before she even
knew what happened. So he decided to do this. He flew down and
fucked her then flew off. Wonderwoman said did you hear
something and the invisibleman said, “no but my ass sure does
hurt.”

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
“Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much gentler with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could
actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”