Category: sex

One day there was this fly flying about six inches above the water.

There was a fish in the water thinking if that fly would just drop six inches i could jump up and eat it

A little ways away there was a bear thinking if that fly would only drop six inches, the fish would junp up, and i could snatch the fish

Farther away there was a hunter thinking if that fly would just drop six inches, the fish would jump up and snatch the fly, the bear would snatch the fish, and i could shoot the bear.

Behind the hunter there was a rat thinking if that fly would just drop six inches, that fish would jump up and snatch the fly, the bear would snatch, the fish the hunter would shoot the bear, and i could get that sandwich in his back pocket.

Behind the rat there was a cat that was thinking if that fly would just drop six inches, that fish would jump up and snatch the fly, the bear would snatch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the rat would get the sandwich, and i could get the rat

So the fly dropped six, inches the fish snatched the fly, the bear snatched the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat got the sandwich, and the cat jumpped over everything and landed in the water.

What is the morral of the story………….

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS SIX INCHES THE PUSSY GETS WET.

The Geography of a Woman

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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

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Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

[ RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE ]

How To Make Love

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. if banana does not soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, Uh Oh

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: “I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need
me some perfection. How much is a pack a’ deem rubbers going to cost me?”

The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.”

To which the redneck replies: “TACKS! Gad a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by
themselves.”

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles
removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?She fell out of the tree.How did the blonde die drinking milk?The cow stepped on her.How did the blonde burn her nose?Bobbing for French fries.What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?The back of her head.What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?Data transferWhy did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

‘Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, ‘OK.’

‘Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!’

‘Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’

Which condom would you use….

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl’s Jr. Condom: If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face…

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: ‘Reach out and touch someone.’

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….

M&M condom: ‘It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!’

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta’s ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where’s the beef?

Denny’s Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it’s #1

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of Moms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She
calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what
comes naturally. To make sure she doesn’t get them mixed up again, she cuts out
a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot’s neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one
look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, “I see she caught you at
it, too.”

How can you tell a mechanic had sex?

One finger is clean