Category: sex

WHY DO GIRLS MAKE THE UHUH SOUND WNEN THAY HAVE SEX? BECAUSE THERE BOBES HURT

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots!! Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house. “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

Subject: Corporate Lessons

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped
and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand
up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, ‘Father, remember psalm
129?’ The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further
on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again Said, ‘Father, remember psalm 129?’ Once again the
priest`apologized.’Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went
on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a
bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory.’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Once there was this little boy and he was really perverted. He
liked to look up little girl’s skirts. One day he had a sucker
with him and he told this little girl that he would give her the
sucker if she would climb to the top of the monkey bars
(Unbeknownst to her, he was gonna look up her skirt). So the
little girl glimbed to the top and the little boy gave her the
sucker.

The little girl walked home that day and her mother immediately
noticed the sucker hanging out of her mouth. Her mother asked
her where she got the sucker and the little girl told her the
story of the little boy and the monkeybars. Her mother was
appalled and she scolded her little girl for falling for the
trick. She said “Don’t you know that little boy was just trying
to see you panties?”

The little girl went to school the next day and the little boy
offered her another sucker in exchange for her climbing to the
top of the monkey bars. She said, “My Mommie told me that all
you wanted to do was look at my panties-and I’m not going to let
you!”

Now the little boy was determined so he offered her a whole bag
of suckers and she accepted. She went home and her mother
scolded her again!

She went to school the next day datermined that the little boy
was not going to see her panties. But, he offered her 2 bags of
suckers and she gave in. That afternoon she went home and her
mother proceded to scold her again. “But mommy,” she said, “I
tricked him, I wasn’t wearing any panties today!”

three man walk into a enchanted forest they have lost there way when they come apon a mysterious man he offers them a place to stay in corners of their eyes they see a beautiful wemon undressing and like all men we know what they were thinking but the mysteriuos man tells them accept one exception they must nott have intercourse with his daughter,he tells them there will be deadly conques if they do so they all say ok them go to there huts where they will spen the night.
when they all wake up in the moring the mysterious man tells them all to pull down there pants,because he had inserted a razor blade in his daughter pussy,so the first man pulls down his pants and he had scartched up dick so he shot him 2nd man same thing when third man pulled down his pants nothing was wrong.so the mysteriuos man said good what would like for breakfas he replied cccccccccccccccccccccccoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnfllllllakkkkkkkkes for he had ate her out incase u didnt get it

How do tou make a fanny talk?
Put a tongue in it.

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

What goes IN hard and pink and comes OUT soft and mushy??
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Bubble gum …. whate else WOULD it be???

Q.How do women prevent from getting wrinkly arses?
A.Stop having sex on the drain board

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was ‘Exotic Pets’ and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

“Would that suit your needs?” he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

“Ah,” replied the salesman, leering, “but this ‘amphibian’ has been carefully trained … to perform oral sex upon women.”

At this the woman’s eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he’d be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

“You see?” she asked, petulantly.
“Yes, I do,” said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, “Now, I’m only going to show you this one more time…”

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down
the highway the guy says to the girl, “If I go 100 miles an
hour, will you take off your clothes?” She agrees and he begins
to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her
that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is
thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend
are trapped in the car.

“Go get help.” he pleads. She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.” He
points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, “Cover your
snatch with that and go get help.” She takes the shoe, covers
herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she
arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, “Help! Help!
My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and
replies, “I’m sorry Miss. He’s too far in.”

A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist’s office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: “Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?”

“Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?”

“Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad’s sittin’ in the corner going “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…”