Category: sex

There was a fly siting on a leaf and was very hot. He said to himself if i drop 3 inches i could cool off by the mist from the lake. There was a fish in the water that said to himself, if the fly drops 3 inches then i can eat it. There was a bear in the woods beside the lake that said to himself, if the fly drops 3 inches, the fish will jump out the water and i can eat it. There was a hunter that said to himself, if the fly drops 3 inches the fish will jump out the water and the bear will step out into the opening and i can shoot it and have a real meal instead of this cheese sandwich. Its almost over. There was a mouse that was below the hunter that said to himself, if the fly drops 3 inches then the fish will jump out the water, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can run off with the cheese sandwich. Last one. There was a cat that was behind the mouse that said to himself, if the fly drops three inches, the fish will jump out the water and eat it, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich, the mouse will run off with the sandwich and i can eat the mouse.

The fly dropped 3 inches, the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse ran off with the sandwich, the cat jumped at the mouse, missed and fell in the water.
the reason i told you this story is because every time a fly drops 3 inches a pussy gets wet.

You know you’re gay when:

1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
16. Your pets always have great names.
17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the “Cosmo” quizzes.
19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
23. You get to choose your family.
24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
31. You know how to “air kiss”.
32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
33. You know how to dress strategically.
34. You know when to move out and move on.
35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you
did in high school.
36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
37. You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t necessarily an insult.
38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
39. You know which wine to bring.
40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity
47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.

There were 3 men that went into a strip club. 1 was Chinese,1 was Japenese and 1 was Irish.
Then a lady came out and pole-danced.The Chinese put $50 in her ass. The Japenese put $100 in her ass but the Irish man swiped his Visa card down her ass and took the money as if it were an ATM

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the
ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity
he asks her what she is brewing.

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable
but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes
back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he
challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of
the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a
wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course
where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he
can talk to her.

“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?”

“Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the
country and never lost a game.”

“And how about your sex life?”

“Oh, not bad.”

“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy’s sex life. Say, how many times did
you have sex last year?”

“Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.”

“And you call that not bad?”

“Not for a priest with a small parish.”

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

mommy,daddy what were you doing last night. we were making cookies.Oh,because i licked all of the frosting off your bed.

Whats the difference between light and hard???

You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and tells the chief, ‘this is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘tree.’ The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, ‘this is a rock.’ At which the chief looks and grunts, ‘rock.’ The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘riding a bike.’ The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people.The chief replied, ‘my bike.’

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “you know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

“Today I hiked onto a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watch deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says. “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I cam across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow,” the first guy says, “did you get a blow job?”

“No,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float downfrom heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.

Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

A 15 year old girl finally had the oportunity to go to a party
all alone. Since she was very good looking, she was a bit
nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, “It’s
very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him
‘what will be the name of our baby?’, that’ll scare them off.”
So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing whith
her and little by little kissing her and touching her. She asked
him, “What will our baby be called?” The boy found some excuse
and disapeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to
kiss her neck, her shoulders…she stoped him and asked him
about the baby’s name, he ran off.

Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes
he started kissing her and she asked him, “What will our baby be
called?” He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What
will our baby be called?” she asked once more. He began to have
sex with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his “full” condomn, gave it a
knot and said, “If he gets out of this one…David Copperfield!”

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s
side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things
by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to’ Bring
this note to your beautiful Mummy.’ The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to ‘Bring this to
your silly Daddy.’ The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to
take it back to ‘The lady in the kitchen’. The note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to ‘Take this to
the poor man upstairs’. The note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!