Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.”I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!””Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.””I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he?”Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.”Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”
Category: sex
Sex
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Condom
Do you know that they are recycling condoms?
They are turning them inside out and shaking the fuck out of them.
Three Bulls
Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They’ve heard a
rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren’t
happy about sharing any of their cows.
The Alpha bull says, “You know, since we settled our differences
and split up the cows, I’ve been pretty happy with MY 120 cows.
I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull.”
The second toughest bull says, “Yeah, well I ended up with only
60 cows, so I can’t afford to share any of MY cows.”
The youngest bull says, “I may only be half as big as you guys,
but I’m still a teenager. I’m already climbing the walls with
just 20 cows.”
Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The
entire trailer contains just one animal – the biggest, baddest
bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four
feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the
two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.
Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, “Well,
maybe I could spare a FEW cows.”
The second toughest bull says, “Maybe if I hide in the corner of
the pasture, he’ll leave me alone.”
But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and
shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.
Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot
over to the young bull and say, “Listen, son. It’s not worth
dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows.”
“He can HAVE my 20 cows,” replies the young bull, snorting and
pawing the ground again. “I’m just making sure he knows I’m a
BULL!”
Crazy expeirement
two scientests are working on an expierement. they have 4 worms and 4 jars. in one jar is sperm. another is alchohal. third is smoke. fourth one filled with dirt. they come bac after 24 hrs the one in the sperm,alchohal, and smoke are dead the one in the dirt is alive. this is what it teaches you if you have sex drink and smoke u wont get worms
On fire
Q 2 gays are having sex, the house catches on fire which one gets out first ?
A the one on the bottom cause his shit is all ready packed
Jokes on You, Teacher
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!”
Property
How are a mini-skirt and a chain-link fence alike? They both protect the property while letting you see the yard.
Tulips on your organ.
Q. What�s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Rooster and cat
Rooster and Cat was walking a bridge when cat slipped and fell into the river and rooster started laughing histerically. whats the morale of this story?
were ever theres a wet pussy theres always a happy cock.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Things not to say during sex!
Things Not To Say During Sex
Girls shouldn’t say:
You woke me up for that?
Do you smell something burning?
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
Got any penicillin?
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
I want a baby!
But everybody looks funny naked!
Did I mention the video camera?
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Did I remember to take my pill?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…
You’re almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please
I think biting is romantic- don’t you?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
——————————-
Guys shouldn’t say:
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
(holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
But I just brushed my teeth…
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You’re good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
No, really… I do this part better myself!
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people…
That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
Now I know why he dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
You can cook, too right?
Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
You mean you’re NOT my blind date?
Bad Best Friend
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender
pours him the drink and the guy swallows it.
“Wow”, says the bartender, “Had a rough day?”. “I got off work
early today,” answered the guy, “went up to the bedroom, and
there was my wife having sex with my best friend.”
The bartender pours the guy another shot. “This one’s on the
house.” The guy destroys it once again.
The bartender asks, “Did you say anything to your wife?” The guy
answers, “Yep, I walked up to her, told her we’re through.”
“What about your friend?” asks the bartender. “I looked him
straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”