Category: sex

your like a door knod 10 cents a screw

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, “She cannot talk rrright now, she ‘as a frog in ze thrrrought.”

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he
said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few minutes passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” The startled
father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

An old man goes to the sex therapist an the therapist asks “Do you and your wife have mutal climax ” he goes “No we got State Farm”

I’m saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.

AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

Foul play has not been ruled out.

I’m lost, would you take me home with you?

I lost my phone # can I have yours.

I can do anything your ex-boyfriend can’t.

Your horoscope for this month: Work:the stars are smiling Friends:the stars are smiling Health:the stars are smiling Sex:the stars got a heart attack from laughing their heads off

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began classThe next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lessonEvery morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorouslyAt the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: ‘The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.’

A car broke down on the side of the road and the man, John,
didn’t know how to fix it so he walked to a farm he had seen
about a mile back and he asked if he could use the phone. The
man called his insurance company, but they said they couldn’t be
there till the next day,so he asked if he could stay there till
his insurance company came the next day. “Sure, but I don’t have
a guest room so you’ll have to stay in the barn.” The man didn’t
like the idea of having to stay in the barn, but had no
alternative since it was the only house for miles,and it was
getting dark, so he agreed.

The man took him out to the barn, and showed him where he could
stay. The man was about to leave when John asked, “Hey, by the
way what are those three holes on the wall, their all the same
size and height.” “Oh the are just holes, just leave them alone,
don’t go near them.” After saying that the man left.

Of course its human to do what you are told not to, so the man
went to the hole and looked in, but he couldent see anything.
Since he coulden’t see anything he stuck his finger in it, it
was nice, tight, and moist. After that he decided to leave it
alone. He went to sleep, and had this absolutly great sex dream.
He woke up from his dream in the middle of the night and felt he
was near orgasm and needed to fuck something. Then he remembered
the hole and how it felt on his finger. So he went to the hole
and fucked it hard, and it felt so good. He went on and try the
second hole, that one was even better so he tried the last hole
it was so good he never wanted to stop, but after he came like
never before he decided to sleep.

When he woke up the man was standing over him. “Finally decide
to wake up huh….here, have a drink, it’s milk, i just got it
this morning.” “Thanks, but I just have to know what those three
holes are.” And after a little convincing the man told him, “The
first one it my pig, the second one is my cow, and the last one
is the thing that milks the cow, but you should know that since
you milked the cow last night, this morning the bucket was
almost full, that’s what you are drinking.”

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermit finger.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than
met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, “Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do
you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter
just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from
my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
said “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your
housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with
your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom”

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you
were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist.”