Category: sex

Three guys (Mike, Kyle, and John) heard about a cliff. The
rumor was that if you jump off it and say something, whatever
you say, you land in safely. Mike, Kyle, and John go to the
cliff. Mike jumps and yells, “gold!!”
He lands safely in gold and takes it all home. Klye jumps and
yells, “1000 beautiful, horny, naked girls!!” He lands in the
women and leaves. John trips and yells, “oh, crap!!” John lands
in a big pile of poop and leaves to go take a shower.

What is the string on the end of a tampon used for??

To floss after you get done eating!!!

The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals, a
carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what
pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The
carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them
a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed. The
dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and
promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and
a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the
following note:

DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.
BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I’M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT
NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!”

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIMECaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIMEShow up naked.

One morning Bobby’s mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, “Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question.”

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

whats the differance between a hooker and a drug dealer ?
the hooker can clean her crack and re-sell
it.

a monkey is happily swinging through the jungle when all of a
sudden he becomes very very horny…..

he continues to swing aimlessly through the jungle with a
monster hard on and gagging for a ride.. the further he swings
the hornier he gets looking for anything to relieve his load….

All of a sudden the monkey spots a rino eating some grass….
the monkey swiftly swings down and fires one into the
rino….boom….

The rino looks up in an almighty rage and starts chasing the
monkey miles and miles through the forest the monkey covers with
the rino hot on his heels…

the monkey spots a human hunter all dressed up in the english
style hunting gear reading a USA Today…the monkey swiftly
dives ontop of the hunter and beats him up removes his clothing
puts on the clothing and sits reading the USA Today…..

The rino approaches the monkey dressed up as a hunter and says
“excuse me sir but have you seen a monkey swing passed here
recently….the monkey replies from under his disguise ” is that
the monkey that fucked the rino……the rino answers with a
sigh “oh its not made the paper already”…..the end

10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”
9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”
8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”
7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
6. “I just got my license today.”
5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.”
4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.'”
1. “So, does your wife just lie there during sex too?

A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live. ”Well, I haven’t lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I’d kiss anything that moves,” he answered. ”What would you do?” ”I’d stand perfectly still.”

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great
desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years— raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,

“YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”.

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his dick on the counter.

“What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks. “This is a clock shop!!”

He replied, “I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!!”