Category: sex

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

A man in Egypt needs to cross the Sahara Desert. He goes to a
camel owner and asks to buy one of his camels. The owner says,
“Here’s one fine camel, very fast and 3 drinks across desert,
$200.” The man says, “No, that’s out of my budget. do you have
any others?”

The owner goes through a few other camels, the man refusing each
one of them, until they come across one. The owner says, “Very
old and slow camel, no drink across desert, $20, but sometimes
he will need a little jerking off.” The man buys the camel.

They are half way across the desert when the camel stops. The
man asks the camel, “Are you hungry?” The camel shakes its head.
“Thirsty?” The camel shakes it head. “Tired?” The camel shakes
its head. “All right then,” and the man jacks off the camel.
This happens a few times, until they are almost across the
desert, and the camel stops.

“Are you hungry?” the man asks again. The camel shakes its head.
“Thirsty?” The camel shakes its head. “Tired?” The camel shakes
its head. “All right then,” and the man jacks off the camel, but
nothing happens. “What do you want?!” The man asks annoyed. The
camel opened its mouth.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed ‘What the hell did you do that for?’Tarzan replied, ‘Always check for squirrels.’

Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

“Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”

“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”

The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked, Do you like pussycats?”

With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

The trader said,” Well take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.

“Okay,” they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”

once there was a boy who wanted to take a shower wit his dad so he asks the dad and the dad said ok as long as u dont look down so the boy agree’s and they get in the shower and the boy looks down and says dady dady whats that the dad says that is his snake so the boy gets out and see’s his mom about to get in so he ask’s her if he could go in the shower wit her and she says ok as long as you dont look up or down so the boy says ok and him and his mom go in the shower and he looks up and says momy momy wat are those she says those are my head-lights so the boy says ok and looks down and says momy momy what is that she said that is her bush so the boy says ok. Later that night the boy see’s his mom and dad about to go in bed and the boy says can i come in to they said yes as long as you dont look under the covers so the boy says yes i wont but of corse he does and the boy says “MOMY MOMY TURN ON YOUR HEAD-LIGHTS DADY’S SNAKE IS GOING FOR YOUR BUSH!

“

I got the bed , you bring the handcuffs

Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy?

A: (Stick out tongue)

a mouse gets a viagra 3o mins later he comes out of his house ad says” right wheres that pussy now!”” by Ricky.L. Lewis

“

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.As luck would have it, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his private parts. She then asked him, ‘How does that feel?”It feels great,’ he replied, ‘but my thumb still hurts like hell.’

15> Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.14> Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.13> He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.12> The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.11> Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”10> Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.9> Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.8> He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.7> To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.6> Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.5> She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.4> The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.3> He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent:”Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”2> “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”1> Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ][ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]