Category: sex

Build-A-Bear Condoms, Where Best Friends are Made

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill”. The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house”, the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says,
“You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

There was a hippy on a bus. He saw a hott nun so he started to hit on her, after about 5 minutes he asked her if she wanted to have sex. She slapped him and ran off the bus. The bus driver feels bad for the hippy and tells him if he wants to have sex he needs to dress up like god. So the next day he goes to the church and starts to have his way with her about halfway into it he takes off his clothes and says ha ha bitch im the hippy from the bus, she takes off her clothes and says ha ha im the bus driver.

One day a couple were having sex in the bathtub and the girlfriend said I am not cofortable.

Why not replied the boyfriend.

I keep slipping and you dick goes into the wrong hole.

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won’t take no for an answer.

“Tell you what, I’ll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can’t!” the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. “Okay, let’s see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!”

A really horny man walks into a whorehouse, but only has ten dollars. He walks up to the manager and says “What can I get for ten bucks?” The manager replies, “The only thing we got at that price is some old bag who’s been in the business for 50 years.” The man tells the manager that it will have to do and he is instructed to go into one of the bedrooms. After about five minutes the old lady appears and the guy starts screwin’ her. “Damn! he says you are really dry.” “Hold on,” she says and she walks into the bathroom. The old lady comes back out of the bathroom and they start up again. The guy goes “This is way better, what did you do?” The old lady replies, “I scratched my scabs.”

A cowboy walks into a Saloon after he rode 150 miles on his horse in one day.
He had a drink about two weeks ago, but he had himself a lady about two months
ago.

He enters the saloon sits down and orders a whiskey. He sees that he is the
only one in the bar except for the bartender. “Sorry, barkeep, tell me, you got
any gals around here?� the cowboy asks “No sir, ‘Round here is only you, me, and
‘Old George, there attar back,” the barkeep replies as he shows in the direction
of the toilet with his head.

“No,” shouts the cowboy, “I am not that kind�s guy.”

So the cowboy just sits and orders another whiskey. After he had about half a
bottle he asks the barkeep the same question as earlier. He gets the same
answer:

“No sir, Round here is only you, me, and ‘Old George, there attar back. Again
the cowboy says, “No way am I not that kind�s guy.” So he just drinks and
drinks.

The more he drinks the hornier he gets. After he had about two bottles of
whiskey he asks the barkeep the same question and gets the same answer. But he
is so horny by now that he decides ‘Old George there attar back will have to do,
but he doesn’t want anybody to know that he did ‘Old George there attar back.

So he asks the barkeep: “If I do ‘Old George there attar back, who’s going to
know about it?” The barkeep answers: “Well, sir It will be me, you, ‘Old George
there attar back, and the four guys holding him down, ’cause he isn�t that kinds
guy either!”

Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous
chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that
might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.

14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”

13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.

12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?

11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.

10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.

9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.

8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.

7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.

6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.

5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man

4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.

3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.

2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?

1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let’s go up there, apologize, and see how much that’s going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

“Uh yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” No problem – it’s the least I could do.

And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.
“Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish genie?”, the husband said.

“Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”
“35.” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies??? That’s amazing!”

Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.