Category: sex

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, Dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?”

“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.

“Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache,” answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. “I’m awfully tired, Honey,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

“How adorable, Jerry!” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?”

The husband replied, “These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at “it” for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, “Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?”

His bride replied, “You show me one more trick with that thing and I’m going home to mother!”

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,
a great lover himself he was not.
They would say, “Sorry, sport,
but your arrow’s too short–
What we want is what Hercules’ got.”
—————
Euphemism is all very well,
but if I really am going to hell,
I’d rather it be
for lechery,
not for “loving the ladies too well.”
————-
Juno’s measure of fury was full,
but Zeus had a trick he could pull.
He said, “Surely, my dear,
whatever you hear
from Europa is all cock and bull.”
—————-
Oh a pussy’s a timorous beast,
needing petting and patience at least,
but she’ll alter completely,
if handled quite sweetly,
and sit up and roar when she’s greased.

The Lord decided it was time to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of His decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said He would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being, which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord. ‘Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job’, said The Lord’Thank You, O Great One, I live but to serve.’ replied St. Peter. ‘I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this…. … woman. I require your assistance on this matter Lord.’ ‘You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man’s,’ said God.’The nerve endings, said St. Peter. ‘How many will I put in her hands?”How many did we put in Adam?’, asked The Lord. ‘Two hundred, O Mighty One’, replied St. Peter.’Then we shall do the same for this woman,’ said The Lord. ‘And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”How many did we put in Adam?’, asked The Lord. ‘Seventy five, O Mighty One’, replied St. Peter.’Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there, do the same for woman’, said He.’How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals’, inquired St. Peter. ‘How many did we put in Adam?’, asked The Lord.’Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One’, replied St. Peter.’Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we? Do the same for woman’, said The Lord. ‘Oh Yes, Great Lord’, said St. Peter.’No, wait.’ said The Lord. ‘Let’s give her ten thousand, I want her to scream my name EVERY Time!’

Sex is the best way to lose weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES

With her agreement…………………………12 cal

Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA

With both hands…………………………….8 cal

With one hand……………………………..12 cal

With one hand being slapped…………..37 cal

With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM

With erection………………………………..6 cal

Without erection…………………………315 cal

PRELIMINARIES

Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal

Trying to find G spot……………………..92 cal

Without caring at all……………………….0 cal

WHEN DOING IT

Holding her up…………………………….12 cal

Just on the floor……………………………8 cal

POSITIONS

daddy-mummy……………………………12 cal

69 laying…………………………………….8 cal

69 standing up…………………………..112 cal

Trolley……………………………………..216 cal

Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM

Real…………………………………….112 cal

Fake…………………………………….315 cal

POST ORGASM

Staying in bed………………………………..18 cal

Jumping off the bed………………………….36 cal

Explaining why she jumped off the bed…816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION

Between 16 and 19 years of age……..12 cal

from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal

from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal

from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal

from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal

over 60…………………………………..2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES

Quietly……………………………………….32 cal

Being in a hurry…………………………….98 cal

With her husband opening the door…1218 cal

there were three one centimeter men so thin that you could almost see through them. They were looking for a good home when they came along a nice tall woman.

They all three climbed on. The first one said, hey guys i found a nice yellow sticky cave i think ill live here! The next one said hey i found a nice warm green lumpy cave i think ill live here! The next one said hey i found a nice warm forest the only thing wrong with it is that theres a bald guy spitting at me!!!

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo.

u dumb bitch!

The word of the day is “LEGS”, let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

Let’s name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

I’d like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Was your daddy a baker? ‘Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn’t been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them. The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.The old man asks, “Are you young folks all right?””Yes, we’re fine,” the man answered. We’re living on the fruits of love.”The old man replied, “I kinda figured that. Say…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. ”This is a brothel,” replied the madam. ”Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man. ”Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. “This is a brothel” replied the madam.

“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.

“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”