Category: sex

what does a blond and a bunjie cord ahve in common……there both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married
man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

My wife suggested that we use a new type of condom. It had ridges and bumps and feathers on the side and a shape like a chicken head on the top.

I asked what it was and she explained that it was “especially designed to provide the maximum pleasure for woman”.

I was having none of this and put it on inside out. Why should she get all the fun?

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker
her to at local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other
waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange
noises through the door, “I can’t do it, and I can’t do it, And I CAN’T DO IT!”

In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, “How did it go?” The first
one answers. “It was embarrassing. I simply couldn�t do it.”
The second hobbit shook his head. “Manhood problems, eh?”
“No. I couldn�t get on the bed!”

this guy walks up to a girl and ask if she was raised on a farm and she said no he said u must of been cause you shur can raise a cock good!

A man wants to buy some condoms and goes to shop for them. The salesgirl asks
him, ‘May I hold your penis for size?’. After he does so, she then turns to the
assistant and says, ‘Give me a small. No, wait. Give me a medium. No, wait. Give
me a large. give me a tissue!’

one day, a midget walked on an elevator to see a very tall man
on it. the man immediateyl started talking and said, ” im 7 feet
tall, 300 lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, each testicle weighs
30 lbs, and my name is turner brown.” after hearing this, the
midget faints. once he wakes up, the man asks him what happened,
the midget says,” what did you say?” so the man starts to
explain it again. “im 7 feet tall, 300 lbs, my penis is 20
inches, my testicles weigh 30 lbs each and my name is turner
brown.” the midget is releaved. ” oh ok,” says the midget, ” i
thought you said TURN AROUND.

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

Q: What is “afterplay”?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

there was a guy name Brandon and his gilfreand name gabby . gabby ask Brandon do you want to do it. brandon said we suoud use codeso thay did gabby ask agin brandon said yes i will have sex with you to night in fact the person writeing this joke is a real person that person is nacked writeing the joke now and he is have sex right now.

A market researcher was called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answered was “Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.” The interviewer was a little surprised. He said, “Everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don’t like to say so. Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me how you use it?””We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out!”

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, Dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?”

“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.

“Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache,” answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. “I’m awfully tired, Honey,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

“How adorable, Jerry!” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?”

The husband replied, “These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”