Category: sex

Your dick

A WOMAN WAS JUMPING OF A CLIFF AND A MAN CAME UP 2 HER HE SAID CAN SHE GIVE HIM A BJ SHE SAID YES. WHEN THEY HAD FINISHED HE SAIN WHY ARE U JUMPING, SHE SAID BECAUSE HER MUM AND DAD DONT LIKE HER BECAUSE HE IS A CROSS DRESSER

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.’Where is your costume?’ the husband asked. ‘This is it,’ replied his wife. ‘What the heck kind of costume is that?’ asked the husband. ‘Why, I am going as Puss and Boots,’ explains the wife. ‘Now hurry and get your costume on.’ The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. ‘What the heck kind of costume is that?’ asked the wife. ‘I am a fire alarm,’ he replied. ‘A fire alarm?’ she repeated laughing. ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.’

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” He says.

“That’s cool.” Says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw;
she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY!
IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

A fag walks into a corner deli, takes a number, and waits his turn. Soon, his turn comes up, and the deli boy asks, “Well, what will it be today, sir?”

To this, the fag replies, “I’ll have a half pound of roast beef, a pound of your swiss cheese, and I’ll take that nice long salami you’ve hanging by the window.”

After slicing the swiss cheese and the beef, the deli boy then asks him, “Sir, would you like me to slice the salami as well?”

To this the fag replies, “Slice the Salami?! What do you think my ass is, a piggy bank?”

Melissa came home late from her date. She was tired, so on her way to her bedroom she threw her coat over a dining room chair, threw her purse into the kitchen table, and just threw her clothes all over her bedroom floor without a care.

Next morning at breakfast her mother asked if she had a good time last night.

“Oh yeah” she said, “the best ever”

“I thought so” said mom, “your panties are still stuck to the ceiling”

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

“Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee”.

He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.

At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care!

There was these two kids down at the river making a fort.
The one kid said to the other i have to go to the bathroom so he
went to the bushes be side the river.
The other kid waited for him 2 minutes passed 3 4 5 then the kid
said ive had it and walked over there and said whats wrong the
kid going to the bathroom said look its a naked women in the
river. Then the other kid just started to Run. The kid that was
peeing chased him and said whats wrong the other kid says “my
mom said that if i saw a naked ladie i would turn to stone and i
felt somthing getting hard so i ran”

A couple has a male friend who’s visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.”Nonsense,” says the wife. “Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we’re all friends here.” The husband concurs, and before long they’re settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend’s side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he’d like to, but he’s reluctant. “We’re in the same bed with your husband! He’ll wake up, and he’ll kill me.””Don’t worry about it,” she says, “he’s such a sound sleeper, he’ll never notice. If you don’t believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won’t even wake up.”So the friend yanks a hair off the husband’s butt, and sure enough, she’s right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.After about twenty minutes, though, she’s back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband’s rear end, and again they have sex.This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, “I don’t mind that you’re shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my ass as your scoreboard?”

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”