Category: sex

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed’s bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, “That’s happiness! That’s happiness!” But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, “That’s a penis?! That’s a penis?!”

This man and woman was in a little shack getting it on when the
door blows open on them, cool air rushes through the doorway,
the man looks at her and says go shut the door, she responds
with hell no i’m cold, so the guy says well lets do it this
way, whichever one comes up with the best rhyme the other can
get up to shut the door is that agreed? she agrees, he lets her
go first so she says…
3 and 3 is 6 and 3 is nine i can tell the length of yours but
you can’t tell the depth of mine, he says thats good, now my turn
here goes..
3 and 3 is 6 and 3 is nine i can piss in yours but you can’t
piss in mine!

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX….
10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

Masturbation is probably my only true field of expertise.

In Boy Scout Camp, we had a masturbation contest, I finished first and third.

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want

5. “Whatcha’ Doin'” the Wonderful Phrase

6. 101 Games to Play in the Road

7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher

8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games

10. Arthur Gets Hunted

11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

12. Monsters Killed Grandpa

13. The hit sequel to “Elvis is your real dad” Mrs.Clause is your real Mom

14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

15. All Guns Squirt Water

16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

20. 101 recipies to make with Dog

21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

22. The New Boy is Bad

23. Your Nightmares are real

24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs

25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..

28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption

29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower

31. Grampa Gets A Casket

32. Dad’s New Wife Robert

33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

15> Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.

14> Improper attachment may create choking hazard.

13> DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?

12> We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.

11> This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.

10> “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”

9> Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.

8> The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.

7> The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.

6> Only to be used in a locked and upright position.

5> Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.

4> Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!

3> Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.

2> Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.

1> Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

13> The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

12> You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

11> You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

10> You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

9> Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

8> You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

7> You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

6> You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

5> Keeping a stained dress: Tacky

Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

4> You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

3> Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

2> “All your albums are belong to me!”

1> You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, “TWO PROSTITUTES…….$50.00.” A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.” They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, “Well, that’s a little different, it pertains to religion.” So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which read……….”TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER……. $50.00!!!!”

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said, ”I like both.” ”Both?” Engineer: ”Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.’Not a chance’ says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”‘No problem,’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.’A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. ‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.”What happened?’ asks the doctor.’Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘was the sex not good?'”Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face in McDonald’s again.

there were these two people and it was there wedding night and they got home and they didnt know what to do. so the guy calls his dad and says dad what do I do, the father replied get naked and lay in the bed, then the girl called her mom and was like mom what do I do and the mom replied get naked and lay with him

so they were just laying there for about five minutes doing nothing so the guy calls the dad again and say s what do I do and the dad says stick the hardest part of your body in the place where she pees and then the girl calls her mom and was like mom wht do I do and the mom said well what is he doing and she says(sticking his head in the toilet!)

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.