Category: sex

it was dark and all i could feel was his hands on my wrists he lifted them above my head and held them firmly in place next he lossened all my clothing and turned me on my side he opened my mouth wide and forcing any content out one he was satisfied i had a clear clean mouth he moved to the back of me and positioned himself so he was in the right position reaching around me he pushed in slowly at first then faster and faster i could feel it all happen but was in a state of daze when i finally came too i could feel him pushing fast from behind me and i yelled out to him to stop hearing me say this he did and puleed me to a sitting position opening my mouth again he shoved the large thing over my mouth and instructed me to blow in and out as fast as i could suddenly feeling ight headded he oreded me to slow down and then finaaly helped me to the bed lying me down he straped me on and then took me for a long ride……………. all the way to the hospital. this was my first time having my life saved.

Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children.

Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband.

Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At least they’re finally together.”

A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?”

The priest says, “I mean her legs.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, ”Would you like some food?” The Scot hoarsely croaks, ”Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!” She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, ”Would you like something to drink?” ”Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!” She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he’s in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, ”Would you like to play around?” ”Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!”

One day in Sunday school they were learning about death and one
girl asked “How can we reconise if someone has died?” The
man(TEACHER) looked through her bag and said this is a picture
of a dead horse.
Another student asked “Why is its legs in the air?” The
man(teacher) ponderd this and said “I really dont know its just
the way god likes to lift you into heaven.” One child looked
rather frightend. The man said “Are you okay dear?” the child
said ” My mum almost died this morning and the morning after that
and after that and after that?” the man looked astonished! and
said “How?” The child said “Well i dont know how but she was
shouting “OH LORD! I’M COMING!With her legs in the air” But you
saved her!” The man looked puzzeld and said “did I?” The child
said “Yes you held her down.I should tell my dad that my sunday
teachers such a good doctor.”

close ur eyes and then emagine a buetiful lake. U see a nakid women, she starts to suk your dik, u feel like erecting, then scream ooh, ooh.

When someone hears u say ” that nakid women was having sex with me ” and point to and ugly person. Watch the reaction…..

Two women go out one night without their husbands. As they came back, right
before dawn, both of them drunk, They felt the urge to pee. They noticed the
only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one
did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her pants and used
them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought ‘I’m not getting rid of my
pants…’ so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone,
and one says to the other: ‘We have to be on the lookout, it seems that these
two were up to no Good last night, my wife came home without her pants…’.

The other one responded: ‘You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to
her ass that read, ‘We will never forget you!’

there once was three bums out side of a resterant. Two of the bums dared one of the bums to go in and beg for food. He goes inside and sees a lady. He goes up to her and begs for food she says only if you fuck me in the back room. He says ok. when they get thier he really did not want to do it so he looks to the side and sees some corn dogs she turned around he stuck the corn dog in her ass she said oh brcause she thought it was his dick she said do that again so he did it again he through them out the window because thay came out red so he got all he can eat he went out side and he said guys i got all i can eat they said so we got two condogs with katchup!

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company”

There were 3 men. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman. They all had a daughter. The Englishman said “I found a bottle of vodka in my daughters room, I didn’t even know she drank!” “That’s nothing” said the Scotsman “I found a pack of cigs in my daughters room, I didn’t even know she smoked!” “That’s nothing” said the Irishman “I found a pack of condoms in my daughter’s room, I didn’t even know she had a dick!”

a boy walks in on his mum in the shower, he looks at her croch and asks whats that and she replies thats my garage.later the boy walks in on his dad in the shower, he looks at his dads croch and asks what that to which his dad replies thats my car. the next day the boy walks in on his mum and dad in she shower together having sex and the boy asks”daddy, whats your car doing in mummys garage”?

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, OK,” he says, “how a bout a blow job?”

“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

She nods.

“Well, it’s just like that.”

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”