Category: sex

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

2. Do you want to see something swell?

3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

4. Drop ’em!

5. What do you like for breakfast?

6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”

16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?

20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”

21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?

22. A women asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”

23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

25. Bond. James Bond.

26. Do you spit or swallow?

27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what’s one more?

28. Your place or mine?

29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

32. Your face or MINE!?

33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”

34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

42. I’d look good on you.

43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?

47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

50. NOW, BITCH!

51. Fancy a fuck?

52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?

56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

56. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

57. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”

58. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

59. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

60. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?

61. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

62. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

63. Hi, how are you?

64. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.

65. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

66. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

67. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

68. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

69. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

70. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a women masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”

You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.

~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and dreary day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover, “and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!””I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, “It’s raining out there!””If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems.”So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town’s annualmarathon. So he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to “blend in” as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.”Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?””Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?””Only if it’s raining.”

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
“What the heck is wolf style?” you ask.
That’s when you sit by the hole and howl!

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they’re are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies “They’re making cakes.”

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer “They’re making cakes.”

The next morning the little girl says to her mother “Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.”
The Mother replies ” How do you know?”
The girl says “I licked the icing off the sofa!”

I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.

She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called “Cold Turkey.”

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

“Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.

“I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”

There once was a really pretty girl who loved cream puffs. A boy
came up to her and said, “may I walk you home?” the girl
replied, “My mommy told me not to.” The boy said, “I’ll give you
10 cream puffs.” she said o.k. Then the boy said, “May I carry
your books?” the girl replied, “My mommy told me not to.” The
boy said, “I’ll give you 20 cream puffs.” she said o.k. When
they reached her house the boy said, “may i come in?” The girl
replied, “my mommy told me not to,” So the boy said, “i’ll give
you 30 cream puffs.” The girl said, “ok,” then the boy asked
casually, “may i go to your room?” The girl replied, “my mommy
told me not to.” He said, “i’ll give you 40 cream puffs,” the
girl said, “ok.” The boy asked the girl “will you get naked?”
She replied “my mommy told me not to.” “I’ll give you 50 cream
puffs” the boy said. The girl said “ok,” The boy said “do it
with me.” The girl said, “my mommy told me not to.” “I’ll give
you 100 cream puffs” said the boy. In the morning the girl
asked, “Where are my cream puffs?” The boy said, “I creamed you
last night, and you’ll be
puffed up in 9 months.”

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.1. Oral Sex does not count.2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day, doesn’t count. 3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn’t count. 4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn’t count.5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share. 6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “Did I shave my legs for this”, doesn’t count.7. An old flame, doesn’t count.8. An ex-spouse, doesn’t count ,refer to this as a “pity fuck”. 9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex. 10. Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation.11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex.12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other.14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet”. 16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was public right?).17. Phone sex, doesn’t count, refer back to “glorified masturbation”. 18. In car, doesn’t count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1.19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count. 23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count, this should be considered ” getting aquainted “.26. An act with a US President , doen’t count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.27. An act with your boss, doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits. SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a
blowjob.

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”

“Sure” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”

a guy walks into a bar and sees a jug of money sitting on the tablE he says to the bartender “whats that money for” the bartender says “well its a contest you put in some loose change and then you get 3 tasks if you complete them all you win the money” the man says “ok sounds good” he put some money in the jug and asked the bartender for the 1st task the bartender replied “ok see that big biker dude over there… well you got to knok him out with one punch” so the man walks over and knocks him out with one punch! go back to the bartender and says “that was easy give me the last 2 tasks” the bartender replies “there is a dog in the back with a sore tooth you have to go pull it and there is an 80 year old women upstairs lookin for some sex she hasnt got any in a long time” the man says “no problem” he goes to the back with the dog and all the bartender hears is yelping and crying. the man comes oput and says ” OK WHERES THE LADY WITH THE SORE TOOTH !!!!”