Category: sex

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this
had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door
holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door
and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flow. We’re going to the
show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their
way.

The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty,
we’re going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay
too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started
off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck� –” and the farmer shot him.

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well, not exactly. She’s the one that suffers, not me.”

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from
the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather
flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. “Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked
for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured
‘Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would.
Except he’s not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all
out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put
it under her skirt. About this time ‘Sis got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of
the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a
fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I
found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she
got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open,
and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said
it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about
the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave
and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s
head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her
legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by
lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis
started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed
the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of
its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a
little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the
eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by
sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally
killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s
boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.????? A. A cherry float.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING,
ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch…
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me….
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl…)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked…
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl’s clothes off.)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me…
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees!!!
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!!

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a
sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very
important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the
secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her
boss told her…don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to
think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only
marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement
ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat
diamond tiara.”

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and
says, “No problem! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the
man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As
a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the
best wine country in France.”

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular
phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks
at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I
build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary
knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time
to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
“Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch
penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his
hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering
in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his
head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I
cut. I cut.”

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and
plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom
says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
daddy’s!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they
are.”

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says…”Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!”

Two guys have been camping in the woods for over a week and are
beginning to get a little annoyed with each other. One says to
the other, “Today we should spend some time apart. You hike to
the north, I’ll hike to the south and then we will meet back
here and discuss our hikes over a campfire.”

The day turns to night and the two men meet at the campsite and
one says to the other, “So,how was your day?”

“Oh, it was fabulous. I hiked towards the south, down into the
valley and swam in this crystal blue stream and laid out in the
sun until I was dry. When I woke up I saw a deer drinking from
the stream and it was the most serene vision I have ever had.
How was your day?”

The other camper says, “Well, I hiked north and came upon these
railroad tracks. I followed them until I found this woman tied
to the tracks so I untied her and we had sex all day long, in
every position imaginable. It was the best sex I ever had and
when we just couldn’t do it anymore, I hiked back here.”

The other camper responds, “Wow! your day was much better than
mine! Did you get a blowjob too?”

“Nah, I couldn’t find her head.”

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be opening minded.