Yours Fun Portal !
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, ‘Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!’ The wrestler nodded in agreement. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’ The wrestler answered, ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. ‘I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could; and you would be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!’
First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl
Dodge Condoms, Grab Life By The Horns
What do you call a BLONDE with pig-tales?
A blow job with handle bars!
One Christmas Eve a there was this girl who wanted to see Santa
really bad. So she stayed up all night till Santa came. Finally
she hears something on the roof. Then all of a sudden Santa came
down the chimney. Ge puts all the presents under the tree and is
about to leave when the girl comes out of her room. Santa looks
at the girl and she is dressed in only a robe. The girl says to
Santa,” please stay santa.”
Santa replies,” ho ho ho gotta go gotta go, gotta get the
presents to the children you know.”
So the girl takes of her robe and now only has on her red bra
and panties, and says,”Santa please stay.”
And again Santa replies,”ho ho ho gotta go gotta go, gotta get
the presents to the children you know.”
So the girl takes her bra off and says to santa,”please stay
Santa.”
But again Santa replies,”ho ho ho gotta go gotta go, gotta get
the presents to the children you know.”
Then the girl takes off her panties and says,”Santa please stay.”
Then santa replies,”ho ho ho gotta stay gotta stay, cant get up
the chimney with my penis this way.”
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: ‘PIG!!’ The man immediately leans out his window and replies ‘BITCH.’ They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
The Scenic Root.
A man walks into a public men’s room, His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.
He approaches another man and asks, ‘Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?’
The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man’s pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.
Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.
‘Oh, I can take care of that.’ the first man says, blowing on his fingers. ‘I think my nails are dry now.’
Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who’s wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife’s faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
“Why yes, of course.” said the owner, “We have a very wide selection.”
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
“Well, maybe I have just what you need.” remarked the owner, “Wait here.”
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.
“Wow, that pretty neat.” said the man, “But what’s so special about it?”
“This is the Voodoo dick.” remarked the owner, “Watch.” Then the owner commanded, “Voodoo dick, rise.”
All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man’s face. “Voodoo dick, door.”
The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.
Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, “Voodoo dick, box.”
The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, “My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?”
“Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.”
“Well, I must have it. I’ll give you $200 for it.” demanded the man. “No, not for sale.” “$
500.” “No, I cannot.” “$
700.” “I am sorry.” “$
1000.” “Well, ok.”
So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, “When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say ‘Voodoo dick, cunt’ and it will do the rest.” explained the man.
The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded ‘Voodoo dick, cunt’.
With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.
While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.
“Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?” asked the officer.
“Well officer,” answered the wife, “I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.”
To which the officer responded, “Voodoo dick, my ass!”
what do you call a dinosaur that eats a lot of pussy?
A lick-a-lot-o-pus
If you think life is bad… How would you like to be an egg? – You only get laid once. – You only get eaten once. – It takes 4 minutes to get hard. – Only 2 minutes to get soft. – You share your box with 11 other guys. – But worst of all…The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.So cheer up…Your life ain’t that bad!