Category: sex

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with
her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be
getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, Do you ever watch
your husband’s face while you are having sex?
Well, yes, I did once, she replied.
How did he look? the psychiatrist asked.
Very angry, she said.
At this point the psychiatrist felt he was really getting somewhere, so he
said, Well that’s very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex. That seems
somewhat unusual. How did it happen that you saw his face that time?
He was looking through the window at us, she answered.

What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me I am going in.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.

The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.

After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”

The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

milky way condom:pleasure you cant measure

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight Look
how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement – 12 cal
Without her agreement – 187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands – 8 cal
With one hand – 12 cal
With one hand being slapped – 37 cal
With the mouth – 85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection – 6 cal
Without erection – 315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris – 8 cal
Trying to find G spot – 92 cal
Without caring at all – 0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up – 12 cal
Just on the floor – 8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy – 12 cal
69 laying – 8 cal
69 standing up – 112 cal
Trolley – 216 cal
Italian chandelier – 912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real – 112 cal
Fake – 315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed – 8 cal
Jumping off the bed – 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal
from 20 to 29 – 36 cal
from 30 to 39 – 108 cal
from 40 to 49 – 324 cal
from 50 to 59 – 972 cal
over 60 – 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly – 32 cal
Being in a hurry – 98 cal
With her husband opening the door- 218 cal

Why did Minney Mouse get kicked out of the sandbox?Because she sat on Pinocchio’s nose and said, “Lie to me, lie to me!”

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

mickey and minnie get a divorse the judge tells minnie to go outside he tells mickey that minnies crazy and mickey says no shes not shes fucking goofy

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, ‘Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!’ The wrestler nodded in agreement. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’ The wrestler answered, ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. ‘I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could; and you would be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!’