Category: sex

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9.30 okay?”

George said, “Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, “Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. “Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?” one of the foursome asked.

George said, “Sure if I�m ten minutes late�”

Another golfer jumped in. “Wait a minute� You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you�re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.”

George said, “Well, that�s true � I�m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she�s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.”

“What if she�s lying on her back?”

George said, “That�s when I�m ten minutes late!”

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying to “out-status” each other,… The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.

“That’s nice,” replied the other, “but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication.”

The first man became irate and said, “I’ll have you know my wife attended Vassar!”

The neighbor smiled and said, “Take it from me pal, she certainly could use a refresher course.”

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.

Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.

The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, “I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!”

So the man takes his friend’s advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, “Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure.”

The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, “Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!”

So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, “All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what.”

The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last.

That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him.

“How much longer will you be?”, he inquires in a lound voice from the bed.

“Almost done sweetie.”, his wife responds from the bathroom.

The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: “One, two, three”. Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on.

The wife then hollars from the bathroom: “Honey, what did you say ‘one, two, three,’ for?”

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

The the hooker’s gramma came and said “Why are all of you girls lined up?”

The girl didn’t want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said “We’re lined up to buy oranges”

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said “How do you do it, you’re so old?!?”

Gramma says – “It’s easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!”

what did janes one leg say to the other?
i dunno, theyve never met

The sky was dark, the moon was high,
all alone just her and I.
I dont know how, but I tried my best,
i started placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart,
and slowly she spreaded her legs apart.
When I did it i felt no shame,
all of a sudden the white stuff came.
Its finally over,its all over now,
my first time ever milking a COW!

Q: What’s the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: When you’re eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

A man walking aroud town talking about hea pimp he gonehit you fromthe back front and every way in the book a hoe name amen say me at my house tonight she look at his dick and say nigga please that mini hoydog ant shit you haveto have some thing and round for me

thats what yall can sat to lil dick man.

Q. What do a Rubin cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna get weighed,” she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna get weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study.

The Poles didn’t really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.