Category: sex

1. Chunk!
2.Chum!

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

mother fucker

– You know stuff about tanks.- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.- You can open all your own jars.- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.- You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.- You can leave the motel bed unmade.- You can kill your own food.- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.- Wedding plans take care of themselves.- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.- Everything on your face stays its original color.- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.- You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.- Car mechanics tell you the truth.- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: ‘He must be mad at me’.- Same work…more pay.- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.- Wedding dress – $2,000. Tuxedo rental $75.- You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: ‘So, notice anything different?’.- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.- You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.- You almost never have strap problems in public.- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.- You don’t have to shave below your neck.- At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.- Your belly usually hides your big hips.- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.- You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45 minutes.NOT- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.- Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.- You have to wear ties.- You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.- ‘Women and children first.’

Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break.

Kathy asks, “So, Suzy how’s your sex life these days?”

Suzy replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”

“Social Security?” Kathy asked quizzically.

“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were
touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,
when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard
a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You, foreigners! Come
in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I
think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a
great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t
need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?”

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn’t seen in many years – raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man,
threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON
THE WRONG FEET!”.

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was
being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room
where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the
Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

“Ah,” said the doctor, “Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that
you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.”

“Oh.” said Her Majesty. “Well, in that case I suppose it’s understandable.”

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open
and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

“Goodness Gracious!” shrieked Her Majesty, “I demand an explanation of
this kind of sordid goings- on!”

“Ah,” said the Doctor, “same problem – better health plan.”

Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says What will we name the child?

Well the guy freaks and runs away.

So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says What will we name the child?

He freaks out also and runs away.

The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child?

he ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws in the ocean.

He turns to the girl and says If he gets out of that, well call him Houdini.

This guy is setting at a bar, and he’s had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, “Well isn’t there anything that you can give me?” The bartender says, “I’ve got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, “Sure I can talk!”

The guy thinks for a second and then says, “I’ve got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I’m gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.”

The parrot agrees to watch the man’s wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: “Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!”

Man: “Then what happened after that?”

Parrot: “They started taking each other’s clothes off.”

Man: “And then what?”-getting more angry

Parrot: “Your wife started jacking him off!”

Man: “What next?”-really steamed by this time

Parrot: “She started giving him a blow job!”

Man: “And what then, did they do anything else?”

Parrot: “I don’t know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!”

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they
decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to
do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a
guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be
parked around the corner.”

She’s not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How
much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is
thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks,
“What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”.

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a
hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants,
and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and
then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and
asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

There were three guys that were golfing. Right away one of them ran to the bathroom. So, the other two started talking about how proud they are of their sons. The first guy said I am so proud of my son that last night he sold a million-dollar house. Well said the other guy, last night my son sold a million-dollar ferari.Then the other guy came back and asked what they were talking about. They sais their sons. So he said my son is a male-stripper and last night he bought a million dollar house and a million dollar ferari.