Category: sex

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was ‘Mypenis’?Mypenis ate my homework.Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.I love giving Mypenis a bath.Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?Help! I can’t find Mypenis!Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!Watch it or you’ll step on Mypenis.When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.Sorry I’m late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night…

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.”I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man.”Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man.”Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!

what did one tampon say to the other tampon? nuthin they stuck up bitches

How does a hooker know when to stop fucking?

When her partners breasts flash red…

penis and toe are talking one day.
toe complains,”Man, i hae a hard life.every day im stuck inside a smelly shoe, and because my master is so clumsy, i always get hurt and sore”
penis sighs and responds, “you call that a hard life,
my master makes me do push ups untill i throw up”!!

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “O my god! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
with two sluts.”

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

11) She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick

12) If you go into heat, package your meat

13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis

14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse

15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17) Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18) The right selection, is to protect your erection

19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil

20) A crank with armor, will never harm her

21) If you really love her, wear a cover

22) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake

23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

24) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

25) No glove, no love

26) If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye

27) Even If she’s eager, protect her beaver

28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax

29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt

30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown

31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam

32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed

33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink

34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground

35) Cloak the joker before you poke her

36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

37) Cape your throbber before you bob her

38) After detection sheath your erection

39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate

40) Don’t surprise her plug your Geyser

41) Cover that lumber before you pump her

42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle

43) She won’t bristle if you wrap your whistle

44) House your noodle then release your strudel

45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey

47) Cage that snake then shake and bake

48) Cover your peter it will be much neater

49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore

50) It’s always funky to cage your monkey

51) It won’t be funny with a coatless dummy

52) It won’t be fun with an unwrapped thumb

53) It’s not much money to catch your honey

54) Don’t be a fool cover your tool

55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch

56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche

57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

58) It ain’t no jibe to protect her hive

59) Contain that sputum before you use him

60) Restrain your log then plow her bog

61) Glove your pecker before you check her

62) Coat that slimer before you prime her

63) Condomize then womanize

64) Cover old pete then grind her meat

65) Guard your peter before you meet her

66) Check your list before you tryst

67) Wrap your bate before you mate

68) Can your worm before you squirm

69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe

70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard

71) Bag the mole then do her hole

72) Cuff your carrot before you share it

73) Jail your number then call the plumber

74) Cover your vein then drive her insane

75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle

76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink

77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern

78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry

79) Wrap that spout then bore her out

80) Conceal your train don’t cause her pain

81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge

82) Shroud your trout then make her shout

83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky

84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers

85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout

86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

87) Cover your steamer before you ream her

88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish

89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass

90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret

91) Clothe the boner before you hone her

92) Got no protection? Can’t use your erection!

93) Cork your pump or you don’t hump

94) No unwrapped staes get between my legs

95) Dress that erection to make a deflection

96) Contain that shanker before you spank her

97) Cap that seeder before you breed her

98) Stop the stream before you cream

99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder

100) Protect your screw to catch that glue

101) Package your meat for a real neat treat

102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun

103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her

104) Garage the tractor then attack her

105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her

106) Sock that wanger before you bang her

107) Pen that rooster, she’ll be much looser

108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good

109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke

110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate

111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate

112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates

113) Catch that goat before it bloats

114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen

115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her

116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk

117) Wrap that rod then please her bod

118) Sheath that knife she ain’t your wife

119) House that bottle then mash her throttle

120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash

121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

122) Can your knob then throb her swab

123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug

124) Cover your limb before you swim

125) Retain your bailer then impail her

126) Rope your dope then make some soap

127) Net your salamander then make salad in her

128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper

129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds

130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft

131) Cover your stone before you bone

132) House your hose then curl her toes

133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass

134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch

135) Shield your rocks then pond her box

136) Cover old sly then do her dry

137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail

138) Glove your chimney before you come in me

139) If your nude tube your dude

140) Cloak your hitter then go split her

A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who’d made the rounds of the campus.

Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score is, and she’s even a natural blonde. The roommate arranged the date as promised.

The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and

blurted out, “Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy.”

“I would too,” sighed the blonde, “Mine’s the size of a goddamn milk pail.”

15> Double your measure, double your gun

14> Share a stick with the one you love

13> Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

12> The flavor that never lets you down

11> We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

10> Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

9> Chew it all the way home

8> New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

7> Time for the seven-inch stretch!

6> Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

5> Have *you* had a stick lately?

4> Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

3> Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

2> Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

1> It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

“Does your wife ever … well, you know … does she … well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.

“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

“Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly
knitting.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up,
obligingly cranked the window down, and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this
magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,
“And what is she doing?”

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “I think she’s
knitting a sweater.”

Confused, the officer asked, “How old are you, young man?” “I’m nineteen,”
he replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

“Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to “go downtown” so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice “Well, what the fuck are you doing?”

She said “I’m doing what I always do when I’m downtown with no money…. just looking.”