Category: sex

A man rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiled at her and she struck up a conversation. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeded her into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrred at him, “I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?”

He cleared his throat several times, looked her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She was astounded! “Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt — it’s firm doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, he stammered, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming — THAT WAS ME!

If your reading this then get a girlfreind!!

Two gay guys, Larry and Casey, lived together.One day, it was really hot and Larry came home and found Casey with his ass in the freezer.Larry exclaimed,”Casey, what the hell are you doing with your ass in the freezer?!?”Casey replied, “It’s so hot outside that I thought you would like something cool to slip into.”

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.About a week later she’s back at the doctor and tells him, “The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table.”The doctor says, “Oh dear — I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”The lady replied, “Nah, that’s okay. We’re not welcome back at Denny’s anyway.”

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife
wasn’t here. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil ‘the moment’ by getting
up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN. PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE. NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND !

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

“Doctor, I can’t seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?”

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.”

“Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

“Be prepared, my darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his “therapy”.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, “Yes?”

“Sir, I’m with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?” said the officer.

“Yes, officer, I’m inspecting my truck’s rear axle,” he replied confidently.

“Well, why don’t you check the brakes while you’re down there.
Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.”

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.He says, “Doc, I think I’m hung up on women’s breasts.”The psychiatrist says, “We’ll see. I’ll give you a quick word-association test. I’ll say something, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind.The doctor says, “2 Eggs.”The guy says, “Boobs.”The doctor says, “Orange.”The guy says, “Hooters.”The doctor says, “Grapefruit.”The guy says, “Jugs.”The doctor says, “Windshield wipers.”The guy says, “Knockers.”The psychiatrist says, “It’s very obvious you have a problem. I mean, I can understand the egg, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?”The guy says, “Are you kidding, Doc? First this one, then that one, then this one, then that one.”

Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don’t know what
it was doing in there but it was 8″ long and 2″ wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn’t get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn’t. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn’t
come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.”

Theres a guy with a 25-inch penis and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having sex with. One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem. She tells him about a frog who can make his penis smaller. All he had to do is make the frog say no and his penis would shrink 5-inches. So he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him. The frog says no and hes down to 20-inches. He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone. He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him. The frog said”How many times do I have to tell you?No, no, no, no, no.”

There are two kids, a boy and a girl. The girl says to the boy my dad is better then yours. He runs into burning buildings and saves lives. The boy then states no my dad is better than yours. He eats light bulbs. Just the other night I heard him tell mom to turn out the light because he was gonna eat that thing.

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked “What’s the problem, pal?””My brother just told me that there’s a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation.””Yeah, so?””Don’t you realize?” the man cried. “I’ve let a fortune slip through my fingers!”

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.”I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man.”Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man.”Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!