Category: sex

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: “What are you doing here today?”

Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for
it.”

Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay
me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet
again in the same line.

Man: “Hi there! Here to donate blood again?”

Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) “Unh unh.”

a girl called shagg alot was in a room with the milkman and they were in bed and the mam cam in and sed shaggalot

One day 2 leprochans were having an arguement. so they they went to a convent and they rang the doorbell. wen the nun came out one of the leprochans asked her “sister, are there any nuns my size here?” she replied “no little leprochan, there are no nuns here your size” he then said “oh….well, are there any nuns any where in the world my size?” she then repleis “no little leprochan, there aren’t any nuns in the world your size” he then thanked her ans she shut the door. the other leprochan started to crack up laughing and said “haha u stupid bastard, i told u that u fucked a penguin!”.

It is the start of spring and baby bear emerges from his cave
looking a wreck. He’s skin and bones; his body is shaking; his
legs can barely support him and his eyes have huge bags
underneath them.

Seeing him, mother bear asks: “What happened, baby bear? Didn’t
you hibernate like I told you to?”

To which baby bear replies: “Hibernate?! Shit! I thought you
said masturbate!”

Safe Sex Saves Souls So Screw Someone Special Soon

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are
freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The
body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughte rwas riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The
boyfriend said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter replied, “Put
them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.” The daughter replied, “Put
it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and
he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” The slightly
concerned mother says, “Sure, why do you ask?” The daughter says, “Well,
they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!”

A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great display of condoms. The son asks, ‘Dad, what’s the three pack for?’ Father replies, ‘That’s for when you’re in high school: two for Friday night – one for Saturday night.’ The son asks, ‘What’s the six pack for?’ Father replies, ‘That’s for when you’re in college: two for Friday night – two for Saturday night – two for Sunday morning.’ Then the son asks, ‘What’s the 12 pack for?’ ‘That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for March. . .

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. “Tarzan not
know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to
do it properly.”

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here,” she said. “You
must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then
gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for
what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees.”

A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, and came home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. ‘Jeeves. Take off my dress.’ He does this carefully.’Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter.’ He silently obeys her. ‘Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties.’As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him…… ‘Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!’

Sex is like math.First you add a bed,subtract the clothes,divide the legs,and hope you dont multiply….

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom ask how was his day
was. He replies, “I had sex with my teacher today.”

“Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait for your father to get home!” says
the mom.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, “Go up to your son’s
room and talk to him, he’s been really bad today.

Dad goes up to his son’s room and asks why mom is so mad. “I told her that
I had sex with my teacher today,” replied the boy.

“Alright! That’s my boy!”, says dad. “Ya know son, women just don’t think
like men. But I’m proud of you. What are you now, about 13, right? Wow.
That’s my son! Ya know what? I’m so proud of you I’m gonna take you out
and buy you that new bike you’ve been wanting!”

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike
in the whole town. “You gonna ride it home son?” asks dad.

The boy replied, ” Nah, my ass is still sore.”

Caught in the Act:A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: ‘Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said: ‘FINE.”Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.’The wife was a bit taken back by these words, but didn’t care to let on, so with almost as much ice in her voice, she said: ‘AND?’ ‘As she was about to leave the house, she thanked me warmly and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”