Category: sex

There is a little Mercedes 280 SL in Toronto being driven by a gorgeous blonde and the plate reads:WAS HIS

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud ‘hiss-pop’ noise. ‘The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,’ explains the guide. ‘The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.’ Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a ‘Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop’ noise. ‘Wait a minute!’ says the man taking the tour. ‘I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?’ ‘Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,’ says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.’ ‘Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!’ ‘Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!’

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.

While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male
egg away and said, “I just have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a
minute.” and off she went.

Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
�egg�lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it
completely.

The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, “The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head
with a spoon!”

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red “H.”The doctor asks, “How did you get that red ‘H’ on your chest?”She replies, “My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we’re making love.”So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue “Y” on her chest. The doctor asks, “How did you get that blue ‘Y’ on your chest?”The girl replies, “My boyfriend goes to Yale and he’s so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we’re making love.”The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green “M” on her chest. The doctor asks, “Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?” and the girl replies,”No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice Gazonas,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”

One night, a four-year old heard some strange noises in his parent’s bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.

Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says “Ur, we’re, like, making a little brother for you”.

The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”

Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, mom says they were making a little sister for him.

“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.

Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in parent’s bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying “I don’t want a doooog!”

Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything
else?
A. Nice dick!

Question = How can you tell you are at a gay picnic?
Answer = The hot dogs taste like shit!

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows,

“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically ‘okay’, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can…do; Those who can’t…teach.’

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, “Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.”

The husband looked at his wife and simply said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it!”

one time there was a littel boy name humpherfaster . and his dad was the presable to his school . his teather said if u need any thing raise your hand so hump her faster raised his hand . so his teaher asked what do u need humpherfaster take off your klothes no i will have my daddy fire u then the teacher said ok . humperherfaster raisd his so the teacher said what . walk to my house the teacher said no . humpherfaster said i will have my daddy fire u so the teacher said ok they get in bed his dad walks in and says humpherfaster humpherfaster replie im humping her as fast as i can

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who’s at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy’s knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, “Oh Johnny, we’re married now, you can go farther than that!”

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes
home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one
of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?�

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a
favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could
you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of
weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the
roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a
leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down
with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak
on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he
found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the
husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s
running?”

She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I
ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed
everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just
said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him”
she said.

“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the
hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?