Category: sex

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

“CLUES”

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I’m not well, I drip.
When you blow me, I feel good.

2. I’m spread before I’m eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I’m called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn’t maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you’re bored.
The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it’s in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It’s my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it’s news.

11. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
*******************************************************

Answers:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

Duncan, the Scottish shipping magnate had returned to his hometown of Glasgow with a client, and they were walking on the shore while the ship was being loaded. Duncan stopped on a hill in a field near the city, pointed to a tree at the base of the hill, said “It was under that tree that I lost my virginity to a wonderful girl.” The client was impressed, mentioned that it must have a very special place in his heart. Duncan nodded, then said, “It was right here on this hill that the girl’s mother stood while I lost my virginity that night.”The client was unbelieving. He said, “You mean to tell me that this woman just stands here and watches you and her daughter going at it down there?” Duncan nods. The client says, “Well, what’d she say?” Duncan says, “Baaa.”

a gay guy comes home from work and takes a shower after his shower he goes to the freezer and opens it and finds his gay lover in the freezer.he says what the hell are you doing in the freezer.his lover said i thought you might want to slip into something cold after your shower….

Who would last longer in the sack?
A White Guy, A Black guy, or a Native American?

Answer: The Native American, the other two have to work in the morning.

Q What did one sperm cell say to the other sperm cell?

A. Last one there gets a rotten egg!

How do you tell if barbie is on her period?
All your Tic tacs are missing.

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions. One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die.

Sure enough, a year later he died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.

Sure enough, a year later she died. He figured he had a year to live it up with that life insurance, which he did, spending every penny of it.

The eve of his projected death, he drank himself into a stupor. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning with nothing more than a bad hangover. He stumbled to the back porch to get the milk for his coffee, where he found the milk man dead.

names you dont want

Ben Dovor
Regina Tucker
Hairy Dick
Seymoure Johnson/bush

names you do want

mike ocksbig
jack mehoff
u.b. horny

A newly married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman say “you foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam aleekem!” (hello in English) So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant says to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, “I don’t think I really need them.” But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, “So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal.?” The merchant smiled and replied “Just try them on, my friend, trust me!” Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering from his wife, he finally consented to try them on. The husband put the shoes on and a wild look seemed to appear in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years — the look of raw sexual power. In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guys pants. While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop “You’ve got the shoes on the wrong feet… You’ve got the shoes the wrong feet..”

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him “more comfortable.””How should we do it tonight, honey?” she cooed in his ear, “Shall we do 69?””I don’t think so dear. I’m pretty tired. How about 68?” he said.”Huh, 68? What’s 68?” she asked, a little puzzled.”You do me, and I’ll owe you one.”

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”